Kdog’s Road Report, 10/31/18

Good morning… and Happy Halloween (Hallowmorn? Hallowday? Whatever…)! Okay… today is the Halloween Special road report… it’s scary, too. If it doesn’t make your skin crawl, then it’s on too tight. Hey, do you know what goes, “Ha, ha, ha, plonk?” Well, maybe you’ll find out for yourself… it’s the sound of someone laughing their head off.

First, though: business. It’s dry out there, but the wind blows… it’s more than just breezy. I believe there was a red flag warning issued, but the flag blew away now, so it’s unclear what the wind-related fire threatcon is. Now, with winds come rocks and debris…  today’s drive will require a little extra vigilance on your part, as you skillfully avoid hitting—or being hit by—rocks. They ARE on the road, and more will come down. Today is even one of those rare days in which I encourage those on Highway 18’s four-lane sections to drive in the left lane. Most rocks coming off of the cliffs above will end up in the right lane, so that left lane is safer.

Additionally, be advised that debris is flying through the air… prepare yourself ahead of time, so that when that tumbleweed hits your windshield, you do not take dangerously extreme evasive maneuvers… it’s just a tumbleweed. Be mentally prepared for tumbleweeds, Stater Brothers bags, McDonald’s wrappers, leaves, box kites, toupees, umbrellas, or even that runaway red flag that’s floating about somewhere.

Another concern: As you come down the hill, there’s a straight stretch of road, almost a mile long (it’s locally and colloquially known as, “high-gear”). At the end of the straight stretch, the road curves to the left, there are houses on the right, and there is a break in the thrie-beam (center guardrail). There are some oily-looking wheel tracks, probably due to the construction being done right there… and those tracks seem to be SLIPPERY. I went into the turn a LITTLE hot today, and got slightly (but unintentionally) sideways right there. If you drive a little faster than most, or if you simply don’t like the idea of lateral tire movement, go easy on that particular turn. THOSE ON MOTORCYCLES NEED TO BE ESPECIALLY CAREFUL RIGHT THERE!

Finally: Those damn broken sprinklers on the onramp to I-210 west, coming off of 30^th Street? Well, they’re STILL doing the “Old Faithful” thing. Geysering straight up, or angled onto the lanes of travel, the water continues to splatter once-clean vehicles. Keep your windows closed right there, and if you have recently washed your car—and wish to preserve that look—find another route.

Whew…. That was a lot to cover for a clear, precipitationless day. Here’s the good news: there’s no rain, snow, fog, dentists, ice, meteorites, bombs, bills, eye worms, Grim Reapers, rattlesnakes, mad cow disease, clowns, tax audits, dangerous aliens, confined spaces, strychnine, failure, supernovas, mediocrenovas, Chevy Novas, demons, flying, deer, flying deer, intimacy, needles, politicians, root canals, bark beetles, new taxes, shadows, shysters, check-engine lights, monsters, Brussels sprouts, maggots, nightmares, Elm Streets, Jasons, hockey masks, chainsaws, slashers, hostels, hostiles, hustlers, hucksters, Huxtables, constables, deep water, the dream where you forgot to wear pants to work (or get there on time), damnation, vampires, cold-blooded killers, cold-hearted killers, warm-hearted killers, killers, murderers, marauders, savages, ravages, sting rays, stink rays, dark, trolls, billy goats gruff, devils, defilers, dismemberments, memberments, blood, guts, grue, gore, armaments, abandonment, commitment, blood, collard greens, voodoo, vipers, vapors, The Unknown, tapeworms, crashes, werewolves, mice, extra-long sermons, those flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz, elevators, black holes, white holes, terrible asps, horse bites, chain controls, hantavirus, speed traps, cult sacrifices, sharks, homework, tsunamis, head lice, armpit lice, uhhh… “public lice,” earthquakes, liver and onions, paper cuts, evil spirits, Al Qaeda, spiders, monkeys, spider-monkeys, mummies, penalties for early withdrawal, sarcophagi, serial killers, cereal killers, ghouls, goblins, goblets, giblets, niblets, road closures, falling, cats, falling cats, darkness, bees, jury summonses, fire, plagues, public speaking, chasms, rabid dogs, heights, thunder, cockroaches, dolls, midgets, ghosts, wasps, roller coasters, zombies, zippers, zappers, velcro, vermin, ants, tidal waves, germs, potholes, downed trees, upped trees, traffic jams… nothing. My list of things to watch out for is fairly comprehensive, and I checked ALL of the boxes today… nothing. Well, the wind, the rocks, the debris, the slippery curve, and the sprinklers, but other than THAT, nothing else.

Halloween is a good day to go swimming… but how do you choose between Lake Erie or the Dead Sea? Maybe just swimming of the coast of Corpse Christi. There was a skeleton who wanted to go swimming, but he had no body to go with. I suggested that maybe he could go with the monster that I found on the end of my finger: you know, the Boogie Man (I picked out that joke myself… but everybody probably nose that).

Hey, here’s a tip for those of you with jack-o-lanterns: if yours breaks, you can always fix it… with a pumpkin patch, but I’m warning you, don’t drop it or you’ll only have squash. And for those dressed as goblins: don’t stand too close to the fire… unless you want to become a toasty-ghosty.

For dinner tonight: appetizers of deviled eggs are good. Then have some goulash and halloweenies, or maybe you would prefer spooketti or fettuccini afraido… whatever you choose, season with ghost peppers and garnish with blood oranges. For desert, Devil’s food cake and a glass of spirits. An after-dinner coffin with witch-hazelnut creamer and whipped scream might kill the night off nicely (but unless you opt for decaf, you might carrion all night long). Bone-appetite!

Enjoy the night… be generous with the treats and you’ll be spared the tricks, or so the theory goes. Dress up (but not as twin witches or won’t be able to tell witch is witch)… even adults get to do so with impunity on this fine eve… Happy Halloween!