Monday, Monday… so good to me… well, good for COMMUTERS, but tough on me, as I’m still supposed to come up with words ‘n’ stuff about the road conditions. And, it’s not that there are no road conditions (sort of like not having any weather), it’s just that the road conditions are not really worthy of remark: it’s dry, warm, fogless, cloudless, rock-free, and about as cruise-control of a drive as can be. Road condition reporting? Sorry, I got nothin’.
So, here’s a thing… it’s probably not a sign of a new, uhh, uberdemic, but the story is a good reminder about maintaining your personal safety.
A ride-share driver arrived at a house, and picked up a customer who had a lot of luggage… and, during the ride to the airport, the passenger volunteered the fact that he was going on vacation for two weeks. I cannot confirm THIS part, but I feel like it’s possible that he might have even said, “Man, oh, MAN will my be house ever be EMPTY for two weeks!”
As you may have guessed, later that same day, while the homeowner was secured in a flying tube en route to Tanzania, the driver returned to the house. And… he set about burglarizing it. Fortunately, he was caught, so there’s that much to the happy ending, but this is a reminder to people, especially as summer approaches, to NOT let people know that your house will be empty.
Don’t post it on social media sites, and don’t share with people who don’t need to know… like your rideshare driver. Even then, if you ARE getting a ride like that, and have four suitcases (which might SUGGEST an extended absence), why not just flat-out lie, and casually mention that you HOPE that your deranged part-time murderer/bodybuilder/gun nut/mercenary house-sitter doesn’t go to jail AGAIN for assaulting and dismembering people who just barely even stepped near the lawn. Or, drop little comments like that you HOPE that leaving a half of a side of beef will be enough for the pack of pit bulls and rottweilers you left in the house (but add in how much they prefer the taste of warm human flesh). Maybe explain that you had to leave because your terrarium full of pet cobras broke again and those things are EVERYWHERE, or how you dropped a jar of anthrax, and the house must be razed. Or, just mention how annoyed you are that your stupid brother-in-law just insists on staying home… whatever. Just don’t let on that your house will be empty, and NEVER mention where you keep your piles of cash and jewelry.
Today is National Glazed Spiral day. Man… I get that every time I drink too much! Whammo… sometimes the floor just up and hits me right in the face after I do the glazed spiral. And before you lecture me about drinking too much, it isn’t that at all… I’m just underweight for the amount of booze I consume. It’s a weight problem… for being just too thin. In other words, basically, I’m too FIT… and you can’t hold THAT against me, right?
Oh, oops… This just in: my editor has informed me that I was mistaken. It’s actually National Glazed Spiral HAM day. Whatever. I was close.
So, a cop pulls a guy over for speeding, and upon seeing the driver, says, “Say… your eyes are sort of red… have you been drinking?”
The Darwin-candidate driver looks at the officer and responds with, “No, but YOUR eyes are glazed… have you been eating donuts?”
That reminds me of another joke. See, these two good ol’ boys were rolling along, when they got pulled over. The cop questioned them about throwing beer cans out the window, having a missing license plate, and rolling through that last stop sign… just general good ol’ boy stuff, you know. I really don’t figure them boys was meanin’ no harm. But, whatever….
Well, the driver at one point got pretty mouthy and belligerent with the officer… who knows, maybe he even pulled the “glazed eyes” joke. I don’t know. Whatever the case, the officer gave the guy a quick punch to the face. This did indeed seem to defuse the situation (I know that’s not how it really works, but this is MY joke, so, just go along with it, please). The driver became submissive and compliant, and accepted his citation like a good boy (as opposed to a good ol’ boy).
Well, once the citation had been issued, and business was almost over, the cop said, “Hold on… one more thing.”
He stepped around to the passenger side, and indicated for the passenger to roll down his window, which he did.
The officer made a quick jab… and punched the passenger in the face!
The passenger said, “Look I get why you punched HIM in the face… but why me? What did I do?”
The cop responded, “Because I know how the conversation would have gone down in this truck, and I’m trying to save your pal some trouble. You wouldn’t have gotten a mile down the road before YOU would have said, “I tell you what, if that cop had punched ME in the face…”
Oh, yeah… your tax returns are due today. BTW, let’s put “tax returns” into that category of things people say, but get it all wrong. Like people who enter their PIN number at the ATM machine! Anyhow, a “tax return” is not the bundle of money that you get back… it’s the forms, the paperwork, the stuff that you prepare and use to calculate your tax burden. A REFUND is the money you get back… a RETURN is not.
Oh, and here’s another thing to keep in mind: if you end up OWING money… you’re doing it all wrong. If you get a REFUND… you’re still doing it all wrong! Getting a refund is NOT a good thing… it only means that over the course of the year, you gave a government an interest-free loan; money that SHOULD have been yours, but you were overpaying Uncle Sam. (Of course, sure, all money given to the government will surely be used wisely and carefully, so there’s that….) Your goal should be to aim for as close to even as you can get at the end of the year.
See you on Tuesday!