Roads are clear and dry today… no ice, rain, fog, snow, rocks, rolls, obstacles, or hazards. Traffic is relatively light, as most of the kiddos have not yet returned to school, and many of the fortunate among us simply do not commute on Fridays.
I was contacted yesterday by a guy who I share DNA with. No, not THAT way, you weirdos… I mean, he’s my BROTHER… you may recall him as an occasional guest columnist here, who goes by “Pdog”?!? Anyhow… in light of recent discussions in this column about speedy space probes (I still shudder), he pointed out that if we could get a spaceship to travel continuously at the same speed as the Parker Solar Probe’s TOP speed (430,000 MPH! That’s 120 MPMFS!!!), we could reach our closest star (not counting our OWN star, the freakin’ sun), in a mere 6,550 years. Now, clearly, no astronaut could live that long, so we’d need to send up astronauts who could bear young, who would then become astronauts, who would bear more astronauts… all we’d need is about 330 generations.
The other option, incidentally, if we can’t keep a spaceship moving at that speed, might be to drive. If we had a road (Dang. Forgot that we need a road…), and could maintain 60 MPH, we could reach that star—again, our NEAREST not-our-sun star—in just 48 million years. (I guess that in addition to needing a road, we’ll also need some gas stations, oil change facilities, and fast-food drive-throughs, but any stop will push that 48 million year thing out farther.)
I came to a horrifying realization the other day. See, a few years ago, I succumbed to the unrelenting pressure to get a device known as a smart phone. It’s called a smart phone because it does a bunch of “smart” stuff that my previous phone could not do, such as perform computer functions, display TV shows and movies, and allow two-way communication not just with other people, but with the device itself. Well, my new-ish car, I just realized, does all of these things, too. Now, using this information, I have extrapolated the following horrifying conclusion: I DRIVE A SMART CAR!!!
So a good friend of mine is a fairly prominent Bigfoot researcher. I never really gave him credit for the work that he does. Until just the other day, when I realized that this task is no small feat.
The other day, emergency crews responded to a fire here in Crestline. And, it was confirmed to be an actual fire… although, as reported, it was “contained within the woodstove.” Well… we had a flood a few days ago at my house, but it was contained to the bathtub. We had an electrical storm (with radioactivity!), but it was contained to the microwave. And just yesterday, temps dropped below freezing—INSIDE THE HOUSE—but were contained to the freezer section of my side by side.
Confession: I have a fear of elevators. However, I am taking steps to prevent this from being an issue.
Here’s a random—but true—thing. (Some things are funny only WHEN they are true… in fact, this paragraph is a perfect example of this. If it were simply fictional, with imagined names, it would have no value. However, since it is FACT, it takes on at least SOME fun… in my opinion.) So, anyhow, the other day, I saw a video, sort of a documentary show about the crash of an airliner back in 1970. The pilot and co-pilot’s first names were Harry and Balsey. There were a number of names I wished that the first officer had, but the third time was no charm, unfortunately. I guess “Sack” isn’t a common first name, anyhow.
I don’t understand product names… like Grape-Nuts as an excellent example. If I were a designer of breakfast cereals and had just invented the type of food that John-Denver-types would sit around in window ledges with handfuls of, and eat while enjoying sunrises, well, I would never ever ever name it “Grape-Nuts.” It doesn’t ape the grape in any way or shape, and like the peanut, is not even a nut. (All this is beside the notable similarity that SOME nuts have to grapes, thus conjuring images of that might make some testy.) Also, if I were developing a restaurant selling delicious sandwiches, I would want to divert my customers’ thoughts AWAY from the weight that might get packed on by eating at my place… I can think of 10,000 viable names but the name “Blimpie” would have never made MY list. Oh, and if I were designing cars, here’s a short list of names that would have NEVER made my list: Probe, Thing, Hummer, Gremlin, and especially, Citation. Seriously, Citation? Now, the demographic that purchased Citations was not likely to be the real daring, outlaw type, so maybe there was some “naughty-boy” thrill to the name, “Citation”… Maybe 50-year-old accountants would swagger into bars and pick up on prudish women by casually portraying the intoxicating allure of “the bad boy” by “accidentally” letting the keys to his Citation peak out of his shirt pocket… no big whoop. Hell, I don’t know… I’m trying to understand the name but only getting deeper into the muck.
Oh well, my names for things would have been different… but I never really had a good eye for pegging what might sell, I guess. A couple of years ago, on the radio I heard what I assumed was a local band… some stations will give the local kids a little airplay. This band didn’t sound all that great to me… not real imaginative, skillful, or energetic… even the voice work and instruments just didn’t quite have the right sound. However, at the end of the song, the DJ mentioned that that was one of the lesser known titles from a band known as “The Beatles.” Yep… them. Had I been a producer, I would have rejected them, I’m sure.
Police recently discovered the body of a man in a New York apartment… which also contained BILLIONS of dollars in cash. He hadn’t been seen by neighbors (who had no idea about his wealth) for a few weeks, so police investigated. It appeared to be suicide. Alongside mountains of cash, he had left a note expressing how much of a failure he felt himself to be, for as a Nigerian Prince, to have failed to even GIVE his money away, in spite of asking millions of people to please take it.
Today is “National Trivia Day.” This is ONE day that I wish it was actually a national YEAR of. I love trivia. I might just begin making a daily point of including a deliberate, intentional, in-your-face piece of trivia in this column. Sure, a lot of trivia spontaneously finds its way into the column, but it hasn’t necessarily been a stated mission to include it each day. Yet. The pursuit of this endeavor is appealing, however… and I’ll open the bidding with a few random bits found on the “Mental Floss” website today: Sea otters hold hands with each other when they sleep, so they do not drift apart; the “Dole/Kemp ‘96” campaign website is still up and running (see for yourself: www.dolekemp96.org); and in 19th century Britain, Opium for babies was sold, marketed under the name, “Quietness.” I’ll bet.
My kid had some blood work done the other day and wasn’t happy about it. I tried to cell her on something I’d red recently so I gave it a shot: “Hey, be positive! It’s not a negative!” She replied, “Ohhh… white.” See, whether it’s today, or tomorrow, we all needle it’ll encouragement sometimes, lest we get clot up in feeling sorry for ourselves. That’s true all over the globin!
Enjoy your weekend… On Monday, we’ll all be commuting again in our Smart Cars and our Citations. Hopefully, the weekend will go by without fires, floods, storms, or cold. Go out to eat, maybe… Panda Express? Where they DON’T sell Panda (that I am aware of), and where the word “Express” should be followed by a disclaimer: “Actual speeds may vary.” But, hey… I didn’t name the place. Don’t feel bad about missing out on the whole Nigerian Prince thing… rumor has it that there are MORE Nigerian Princes out there, so maybe you’ll get another shot at it!