Good morning! Roads are… oh, hell, I have no idea what the roads are like. I haven’t been out on ‘em. Straight up. I’m still in my jamn dammies… just barely even rolled out of the fart sack. See, last night I partied like it was 1999, and for this old guy, it’s kind of rough. No, I didn’t break a hip, or get my walker stuck in the hoverround lift. My cane did not slip, nor did my dentures go chattering across the table. However, the days of being able to party for days on end are long gone… now, just partying for hours on end is going to result in my feeling like I just partied for days on end, without the adventures.
But, welcome to 2019, my friends… I hope that you partied hard, and enjoyed doing it! Funny how a few years back, we’d (by, “we’d,” I mean us older ones who can’t even handle weed anymore) sneak out of the house to go to parties… but how now, we sneak out of parties to go home. Last night, in fact, was one of very few times over the last 25 years or so that I actually stayed awake for the momentous event of crossing over into the new year. I guess that it just sort of seems like the evening of December 31st was always like, oh, every other night ever.
But, we drank last night… oh, that’s right, I already said that it was like every other night ever. Wait a second… now I remember… I fell asleep about 8PM or so… it really WAS like every other night ever!
Today is not only New Years Day, but, not uncoincidentally, it’s also “National Hangover Day.” The likelihood of hangovers is probably more prevalent today than on any other single day of the year… so, if misery loves company, you can take comfort in the fact that you have a LOT of company today.
Say… the movie, “The Hangover…” What a hilarious movie! It’s a few years old, but it is so utterly jammed with great stuff that a person could probably watch it a dozen times and find new laughs every time. And, have you ever noticed that parts of it were filmed pretty close by? Along the 210, going through Rialto, a few stretches of freeway are extremely recognizable, and just north of Victorville, along I-15, are some good shots that picked up our neck ‘o the woods if “the woods” isn’t really the woods, but just means, “within 30 or 40 miles!”
Perhaps you’ve made some resolutions. I did, and plan to keep all of the ones that are convenient, easy to keep, and don’t cause me to wish I had not made the resolution. If it turns out that any of these resolutions are difficult, well, who needs THAT kind of annoyance? Remember: resolutions are made to go in one year, and out the other.
I resolve that if I or Mrs. Kdog bear a child this year, it shall not be named, “Alexa.” ‘Cause, whoa, can you imagine the havoc THAT would wreak? I mean, the part about having a BABY? Geez…
The execution of my resolution is part of the revolution to prevent overpopulation. My contribution is the solution to reducing pollution, prostitution, and electrocution, without the need for retribution or restitution. Persecution of those who believe in the Constitution will result in the dissolution of the institution, so the dilution of it should result in prosecution.
A police department in Louisiana posted on FaceBook the other day that they have received reports that the Zika Virus may have contaminated some batches of meth that were found locally. The police department was inviting those who might have some of the contaminated meth to bring it by the department offices for free testing. No word yet on whether they’ve had anybody take advantage of this generous offer yet, but, we’re all getting behind the eight-ball for this.
I checked with our local Sheriff’s Department, and here in San Bernardino County, they’ll test not only for Zika, but also for Ebola, the Imbecile Virus, and Darwinism (no mention of whether or not the bird flew). This is all done free of charge… the department will even provide free housing (at the Graybar Hotel) and meals (hello… ROOM SERVICE!) while you await test results. You really can’t lose… bring in your product for testing today!
Oh, now, we know it’s just a joke… we all enjoyed Zika for a short while, because it was a novelty, but then we realized that we don’t really like it all that much, and we all got back together with beer or wine coolers, depending on one’s DNA ratio of redneck to sophisticate.
There’s a headline on the ‘net this morning that reads: “Smart Kidnapper Found Near Utah School.” I think that I’ll just leave it at that, since I’m absolutely certain that all of us can just scratch our own heads.
And, speaking of Internet brilliance, I saw another article, one about spacey stuff (Outer, not Kevin), which mentioned that December 1968 marked the 50th anniversary of the first human orbits of the moon. Now, I’ll confess, with many stories on the Internet, I’m mostly there for the comments that follow (from readers), as they provide much amusement, and deep insight regarding the depths of human ignorance and depravity. Anyhow, one guy commented that if 1968 marked the 50th anniversary, that he apparently had his own history all wrong. And, wow… the hyenas tore that guy apart! The pitchfork-wielding villagers torched him (sorry, they, “threw shade,” they, “clapped back,” and they totally “backlashed” that guy) for being so stupid, ’cause OBVIOUSLY the moon was explored then. It’s funny how the name-callers are typically the SAME ones who simply don’t grasp even the simplest of things. Besides… everybody knows that 1918 was when Columbus sailed the ocean green.
Other than that, the news on the Internet is all pretty depressing. Hopefully, 2019 will be different, and we can enjoy a Happy News Year.