Good morning, commuters! Yet another weekend is in the books, and Monday is all over us like green on a frog. My hazard detectors registered nothing on the drive to work this morning, so proceed without caution, reckless abandon be thine (but, try to remain wreckless).
But riders, please be careful: For some reason, yesterday, the mountain just kept seeing motorcycle crashes, all over the place. Of course, the weather has brought a lot of bikers out, for some last enjoyable rides before the weather goes wet, but this bike- crashing trend seems to have been running for a few days now. I did some math, and it seems that almost every motorcycle crashed yesterday. So, riders, please be careful… maybe slow down and stop taking corners on two wheels. Wait, no, that’s not good advice… DO take them on two wheels… mostly watch out for the morons in cages which are out to put you on no wheels.
One confession: The drive from the front door of the Kdoghouse to the place where this working class dog spends 40 hours each week, took less time than usual… and thus the search for obstacles of note may not have been as thorough as usual. The drive used to take me about 40 minutes, but today I did the 35- mile commute in 3- ½ minutes.
Yep… new car. Well, not NEW, but in MY book, anything less than ten years old, or with less than 100,000 miles on the clock is, “new.” And, this one qualifies.
Readers who have demonstrated the fortitude and the masochistic tendencies to stomach multiple road reports may recall that last week, as I searched for a new vehicle, I was hoping to get a Dodge Challenger Hellcat… but the voice of reason kept telling me that this was not reasonable. The voice of reason even threatened me with certain withholding of benefits, among other protests/ punishments, should I continue to insist on going straight to Hellcat in my handbasket. And, daaaaaaa–aaaaaaang… for a while the voice of reason was maaaaaaa- aaaaad.
But… while this car is no Hellcat, it is a Challenger… and wow. It’s a pretty nice whip, in my opinion. Sure, I’ve breathed, bled, and even occasionally towed Chevy for my whole life… but (after my short phase of identifying as an attack helicopter) I’ve now decided that my automotive loyalty is non- binary, and I’ve gone Dodge. My Dodge pride is loud and proud.
There are a few adjustments I’m needing to get used to, differences from my previous vehicle. This, for example, is autonomous. Well, okay, it’s not really… but it does a LOT of things automatically. Like, the keys: I am having a tough time unlearning the lifelong habit of trying to use keys to unlock doors and start the vehicle. This one has a transmitter… when I’m near a door, it unlocks… same with the trunk. When I sit in the vehicle, a button starts it (I really like that, but hope they can do better next time, as now I find that reaching ALL the way to the dash, and having to touch the button, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME… that I want to start the vehicle, well, what a drag, right? Can’t they make it so I just have to, maybe, twitch an eyebrow or something to start the car?). The key/ transmitter never needs to leave my pocket… but in spite of already having this car for a few days, I still reach for the keys as I approach the car, and a number of times, I have held them up with the intent of sticking something into the steering column somewhere. Only, no hole… plus, my “key” is sort of eunichy, too… nothing there to stick into ANYthing.
The car is high- tech… sort of a foreign thing to me (plus, as a Dodge, it is sort of foreign, having been built in CANADA, eh?). The owner’s manual is 651 pages long… no joke, no lie. The car has programmable seatbelts… also no joke, no lie… you really can program the damn seatbelts.
The trunk is huge… Free. Kin. YUGE. My last car was a Camaro, with trunk space that was mostly used up with the placement of a breath mint back there. This one is easily a three- body trunk, even with no chainsawing (being a Challenger, the trunk is essentially the same size as the Hellcat Challenger… if I had known how big it was, I MIGHT have been able to talk the voice of reason into us just living in the trunk of a Hellcat… oh, well… hindsight is 50/ 50).
Speaking of room, the back seats are big, to. Camaro back seats are known for being crazy- small… that car is basically a two- seater, but since everybody knows that someday you are going to try to bring your second and third friends with you somewhere, the “back seat” area is debatably considered to be better than laying down in the trunk. However, this Challenger has big back seats. I can go get some big friends, now. Maybe even grown- ups.
The car has hood scoops, and halos around halogen headlights. It’s got a touch- screen control center that is bigger than many TV’s I have owned… really. It has four wheels touching the ground, and one in the trunk. There are so many airbags in the car, that I am certain that a serious accident in this car would be actual fun… like that room at Patton that I lived in for a while. It has airbags up to and including ones named, “side thorax/ abdomen” airbags. I do not even know where my side thorax is… I always thought that was some Dr. Seuss thing. Whatever… I do like airbags. Another vehicle of mine has NO airbags at all… in fact, the steering column is actually sharpened like spear, so that in a frontal collision it is supposed to impale the driver, in the name of putting him out of his misery quickly… less suffering that way. But, this new car DOES have airbags, so longer lifespan.
Oh, and it looks good, too… it’s dark grey, with metallic sparkles… it covers the car, like… green on a frog. Only not green. And not a frog. And, I know, many frogs are not green. I get that. Whatever. This one is grey, it’s not amphibious, was never a tadpole, and weighs eleventy billion times as much as most frogs. So, forget the frog thing. I guess I simply find analogies challenging. Puns are mo’ par for the course for me… even if somebody wants to cry, “Slur!” when I make a jeep pun. Puns are certainly a better fiat for me, and come out slightly less dodgy.
Yeah, ya auto stick with puns!????
Well played, Lava!!! Yours is one of those, “I- wish- I’d- thought- of- that- one” hits!