‘Tis Friday… and the last day of August. Roads are clear, with no rocks, rain, ice, fog, crashes, closures, or problems to report.
Labor Day Weekend is upon us, though… even if you don’t believe in a lot of things, believe in this: The afternoon traffic coming up the hill is going to be heavy, unpleasant, crowded, silly, and sssssllllllooooooowwwww. We will crawl back up the mountain this afternoon, at half the speed of smell, behind countless pairs of cars, one in each lane, with drivers entirely too terrified about the scary mountain roads to exceed 20 MPH, but also too terrified to not drive along next to other terrified drivers for mile after mile after excruciating mile. Set your cruise control to 20, and simply accept the fact that on today’s drive home you can be confident that people in the drive- thru at Del Taco are going faster than you are.
Labor Day (also known as, ”Memorial Day”)… what is that celebrating, again? Moms? No, not THAT kind of labor. It is to celebrate difficult labor, that is actual work (unlike the “mom labor,” where they basically lay around in a bed, while people take care of their every whim, holding their hands, cheering them on, and then they get a free baby… easy stuff, I’m sure). Labor Day is more about celebrating the efforts of the American worker… and we celebrate by not working on that day. Organized labor seems to have played a big part in making this a holiday, too… it’s possible that Jimmy Hoffa, the sausage king, simply SAID that we would take a day off, and, not wanting cement shoes, nobody opposed it.
Labor Day traditionally marks the end of summer, even though the actual season won’t end for another couple of weeks (September 22). And, as Southern Californians, we can still bank on a few more really stupid- hot days before we’re out of the woods. Oh, and let’s not forget about fire season! Sure, you THOUGHT it had been in full swing for a few months already… but it’s just getting to the REAL fire season… we’re juuuuuuust getting warmed up, so to speak.
Please note that Saturday is, “National Chicken Boy Day.” Now, I thought that this was some holdover mockery, left over from my childhood, as I was not a bold, brave kid, and the bullies really homed in on that with lots of really super- clever nicknames. Alas, “Chicken Boy” refers to a 22- foot tall statue that once stood in front of a restaurant along Route 66. The restaurant is long gone, but the statue has been preserved… and, apparently, people think that this image of a giant boy with a chicken’s head is not only NOT weird and creepy, but is worthy of honor and respect… and a national day. Even our once- Govahna Ahnold Schwazenegga recognized this thing as a historically significant, chicken/ human based thing, while in office, and made some official proclamation about it. The statue can be seen at 5558 North Figueroa Street, in Highland Park (NOT Highland… just to be clear).
Saturday is also “National Beard Day…” I ALMOST forgot to mention that one: Whew… that was a close shave. Grow a good beard to impress your wife with, then whisker off her feet and take her someplace nice, perhaps for some good mutton chops. If you plan to take her away from hair, to some expensive place, then you must stash some money away beforehand… Bic- ause if you don’t pay for dinner, the place is NOT going to Gillette you go home… fur real.
And, Saturday’s ‘national days’ list continues, with, “National No Rhyme (Nor Reason) Day.” Hey! No way! Yay! Hurray! Yeah, I know… it seems that the whole national day thing is a little out of control, but this “No Rhyme” one seems at least mildly interesting. Well, to me anyhow, since I do enjoy wordplay. Today we’re supposed to consider words in the English language that have no rhyme: As far as I know, the list is complete with: chimney, month, orange, purple, silver, spirit, and woman. However… I feel challenged by this list… what about slim knee, junth, glorunge, vurple, flilver, squirit, and skwoom’n? HA! The spry guy with the weird beard on his head said it couldn’t be done, Hun… but I say today is rhyme time!
Anyhow, this weekend bears no obligation to be reverent, to observe anything holy or precious, or to do anything other than BBQ and drink beer. One should TRY to get a sunburn, as the chance to do so is not likely to happen again in 2018… don’t miss out on melanoma opportunities! If you drink, don’t drive, and if you drive, don’t drink. Oh, hell, you’ve heard that a thousand times… it doesn’t matter if you are told or not… just don’t hurt anybody, and remember that cops are NOT going easy on anybody this weekend: Hell, they have to WORK… on Labor Day Weekend! Do you think they’ll just let anybody go on their merry, boozy way? Not likely! And who wants to remember this as, “Labor DUI Weekend?”
Then again… given the Friday afternoon traffic— which we need to begin mentally preparing ourselves for now— we might not even be HOME until Monday evening. At least by then my beard will be up to snuff with enough scruff to look buff and tough.