Sometimes, there’s just not a lot of noteworthy road condition to report on… when things are dry, clear, and problem- free, I still need to fill this page with SOMETHING, and hopefully something that’ll compel you to keep coming back for more.
So, sometimes— like today, for example— this column may just be storytime. There’s no particular reason for selecting this story, but because it’s one of my personal favorite stories, we’ll do the “Holy- smokes- I’m in- my- underwear” story.
This happened a couple of years ago. Some friends had come over to help me spend the day performing major work on my wife’s car: We replaced the rear- end, including the axle…. big job.
The next morning, in the wee dark early hours, I snapped awake: I had forgotten to tighten one last critical nut! I don’t know why my brain chose THAT moment to wake me up and remind me of this, but, that’s how it went down. And there was no going back to sleep after this revelation… I did NOT want to forget about it!
It was 3AM, but it was a dry, warm evening (well, morning… but dark). I was wearing nothing but my boxers, but since there wouldn’t be anybody else out at that time, and since the job would only take a minute, I just figured I’d run out there in my chonies and tighten the nut. There really wasn’t a need to get dressed.
I went outside, grabbed a wrench, and crawled under the vehicle. It’s got enough clearance that I did not need to jack the car up in order to crawl underneath. By feel, I located the nut in question. Of course, I HAD already tightened it, but whatever… better safe than sorry, even if it does prove me to be a little neurotic.
I wiggled myself out from under the car, and stood up. But… in front of me… there was… something. A huge, dark shadow of something… and it was breathing.
It was dark, but it didn’t take me long to figure out that I was facing off with a bear… a big, black bear. Our noses were no more than 20 inches from each other.
Now, our mountains no longer have grizzly bears (truly ferocious and dangerous). What we have here are black bears (they are still “black bears,” even if they are grey, orange, brown, or… black), which are not native to the area, but were introduced as a replacement animal after all of the once- present grizzlies had been killed off, over a hundred years ago. Black bears are generally vegetarian, fairly docile, and are rarely dangerous. Well, except for when they are startled.
I’m sure the bear was about as startled as I was… the bear had probably seen two feet sticking out from under the car, and assumed that perhaps this was a pair of rabbits or squirrels… the bear came over to investigate. Only, the pair of feet turned into a six- foot- something dude.
I had no place to go… My boxers and I were boxed into the place where the car was parked. I suppose I could have gone back UNDER the car, but that somehow did not seem prudent.
So… we faced off. Neither of us knew quite what to do, so we just stood there, looking at each other. I could hear him breathing, and I’m sure he could hear my breathing. We stood… seemed like for three months, but I’m sure it was only a couple of weeks or so.
Finally, a car approached. This is the first time in my life that I have been standing outside in my underwear at night, and been glad to see a car approaching. I figured that the presence of the car might at least break this staredown.
The car rounded the curve by the house. The headlights swept slowly across the two of us… however, apparently, the driver of the car thought, “Hmmmm… a guy in his underwear, face to face with a giant freakin’ bear… I guess that’s pretty normal for VOE.” And the car drove away.
However, apparently, the passing car was enough of a spell- breaker for the bear to make his move. And, to my great relief, his move was to bounce on his front legs a couple of times, then bolt away. He ran off, disappearing into the dark… gone.
Honestly, I was thrilled about the experience. Sure, it was a little hairy for a while, as even though black bears are generally not a threat, they are STILL not 100% predictable. But, it isn’t every day that a person gets to experience nature QUITE this up close and personal. It was a unique experience, to be sure, one that I won’t soon forget. But, from now on, I have vowed to be fully clothed for any car repairs in the future… no exceptions.
Great story!
“I located the nut in question.” I daresay you did.