Streets are serene, boulevards are a breeze, lanes are leisurish… leisurely. Leisurelike. Leisure. Whatever… there are a few scattered clouds remaining, but roads are dry. However… you may wish to go out the car a few minutes before go- time, start the car, and crank up the defroster/ defogger. The humidity and temperature cycles over the past few hours are likely to have created a “cold- sauna” effect in the car overnight: My windshield was wet on the outside, and fogged on the inside. Wipers cleared the outside, but since I prefer not to touch the interior windshield surface with towels (leaves a mess), I use the blower there. Today, it took about five minutes of that before I could see through the windshield. I guess I probably should have waited until the windshield cleared before I drove… It is possible that I took out three of the neighbor’s trash cans, and MIGHT have sideswiped a utility truck. And a wall. And a house, but they shouldn’t have built that thing so close to the road, so that one isn’t really my fault. Oh, and I know that starting your car five minutes before departure is pumping greenhouse gasses into the air, and guilt should ensue. Not to worry, my sons and daughters… your sins are forgiven, just send a dollar to Al Gore (the guy needs a little help paying his record- breaking domestic monthly power usage bills). Or… send the dollar to me… I’ll forward it to him.
So, I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had a stand- up comedy gig to perform: Well, that happened on Friday. I thought it went well, and I am satisfied with my performance… but… I did not slay. The crowd (of over 300) appeared amused, but not hysterical. Nobody needed medical attention from overwhelming fits of laughter, and not even one person begged me to please stop. I had fun, and enjoyed myself, but there is a very good chance that in that room I was the guy having the MOST fun of all. I’m pretty sure that entertainers are supposed to be the laborers, while everybody ELSE has the time of their lives. So, I think I might just hang up my stand- up comic hat, and stick to seeing what I can do on a keyboard.
In fact, the whole performance has sort of drained me… at least for today. So, today, I’m going to hand storytime to my brother, Peter. He’s a writer, and offered up this lil’ tidbit for me to use. I’ve been saving it for a not- rainy day. Here it is, verbatim, word- for- word, from my brother Pdog (wait… we need a better name than that… it just doesn’t sound right):
About three years ago, on a scorching June afternoon, I learned a valuable lesson.
I’d had an engagement that occupied my Saturday morning, and I was heading home to start on another project that would take most of the afternoon. I had a brief errand to run at a shop close to my home in Riverside. As I exited the freeway at Spruce, a Mercedes ahead of me also exited, moving slow and with emergency flashers on. I thought about stopping to help, but the shop would be closing at 1:00, in just five minutes. I drove on.
When my business was done, I came back by the same route and saw that the car was still there, a young couple in the front seats. I decided I should check on them—anyone would be miserable getting stranded in this heat, and there might be an infant or an elderly person in distress. I turned around and pulled up to the curb behind them. As I got out, they both did as well. Nondescript couple, looked like early twenties.
“You guys okay?” I asked. “Need any help?”
“It’s just a flat tire,” the young man assured me. “I’ve got a tow truck coming. She just needs to go to her dad’s house.” I saw that she was getting a bag out of the back seat. Obviously Dad must be within walking distance.
“Okay,” I replied. “Just checking. I could help you change the tire if you want.”
“No need, the tow truck is already on the way.”
Satisfied that our interaction was complete, I turned and headed back to my car. The young lady was tossing a purse over her shoulder and beginning her trek. But as I started the engine, she walked over to my car, casually opened the back door, and put her bag on the seat. It seemed she expected me to give her a lift. Puzzled, I politely cleared the Doritos bags and Del Taco wrappers from the front passenger seat and she hopped in.
Ah, I thought to myself. I’m a bit slow; I had asked if they needed help, they said she needed to get to her dad’s house, and I said “okay.” Apparently, I’d agreed to chauffeur. I’ve got things to do, but I guess I can take a few minutes to save her a long walk on a hot day.
“So where are we headed?” I asked, expecting to hear something like “Turn left here, it’s three blocks down that way. ” I was mistaken.
“My dad’s house is in Redlands. Do you want the address?”
Did I mention we were in Riverside?
Someone is an entitled princess, I thought. Jeez, you offer a stranger with car trouble a little help and the next thing you know you’re driving four cities over. Did you want to do any shopping while we’re out? Maybe catch a show? Oh please can I wait while you get your nails done?
I couldn’t rightly back out now, of course. Though inadvertently, I’d agreed to drive her someplace, and now she was in my car and I was driving her someplace. Might as well just go with it, and be more careful in the future about offering help to entitled millennials.
“Wait until we get closer to Redlands, and I’ll get the address from you then,” I said, hoping I wasn’t letting any annoyance into my tone.
We introduced ourselves, and for the next few minutes we engaged in light conversation. Well, I engaged in light conversation. She was distracted, on her phone texting or something. Little bit rude, dontcha think, staring at your phone when someone is doing you a favor and is trying to have a friendly conversation.
We got about five miles down the road when she said, “Huh. I’m confused. This still says someone is coming to pick me up, but we are already on our way.” She showed me a map on her phone, with a dot in the middle.
“I dunno. I’ve never used that app before,” I said.
“It’s my first time too. Did it send you a text or something?”
The reality of the situation was starting to emerge. “No, I haven’t gotten any texts.”
“Well how did you know to pick me up?”
At that moment, the light came on for me. It took a few more seconds for her.
“I didn’t know. I just stopped to see if you needed help.”
“Wait…you’re not the Uber guy?”
“Nope. Just some random dude.”
“Are you serious? You’re joking, right?”
“Nope. I saw you get off the freeway and then later when I came back the other way I saw you were still there, so I figured you might need some help. Kinda wondered why you were so willing to just hop in a car with some anonymous stranger without so much as checking my ID.”
Be careful about judging other people’s motivations too quickly. I had assumed she was arrogantly exploiting my offer of help, taking advantage of my generosity; she assumed that I was being paid to drive her wherever she needed to go and maybe I was a bit chatty for a taxicab driver. I’m happy to say we were both wrong, she got to her destination safely, we both have a funny story to tell, and we all learned a valuable lesson.
Don’t take rides with strangers, kids.
Ladies and Gentlemen: THAT was today’s story, brought to you by still- not- an – Uber- driver, Pedro the Pick- up Artist!