Kdog’s Road Report 5/10/18

Today’s drive is not terribly remarkable: No precipitation, winds are breezes at best, and pothole populations are at their usual numbers. There IS a lava flow crossing the highway, but it’s all the way over on the island of K’dogahuna’loa’mow’mow-a-be-bop, so unless your commute involves Trans- Pacific travel, you should be fine.

On the radio today, I was listening to droll discussions about random droll things… “Sears” was one of the droll topics discussed, and their “Die Hard” brand. Which reminded me of a question I’ve had for years: Why would any company have a line of car batteries called, “Die Hard?” I can’t help but think that, man, when THAT battery dies, it’s going to die HARD. Was that a great name choice?!?

And, this name might be a little late to discuss, but why did Chevy ever name a car a “Citation?” Isn’t a citation just about the last thing a person wants when they are driving around? (Word to the wise: The guy typing these words got pulled over last week (It’s the thug life I lead). I was using GoogleMaps on my phone. I was stopped at a red light, and sort of holding the phone in front of me, so that I’d be able to see when the light changed. In all truth, I know not to text or talk while driving, but I really thought that it was legal to use mapping apps on a portable device… and, I wasn’t MOVING, exactly. Nonetheless, in addition to the red light in front of me, I got a red light behind me as well, along with the “chirp/ whoop” sound from a cop’s PA speaker, the sound that makes drivers say vulgar words to themselves. The cop was feeling charitable (probably because I did not pull a gun, try to fight, or curse at him… note that as advice, young people!), and did not write me a CITATION. He gave me a written warning instead, which is far less of a hassle and expense. But I learned: You simply cannot have a handheld electronic device in your hand while your vehicle is on a roadway… at least in Rancho Kook. That may be statewide… I don’t know. Whatever… for me, since I got a big break, I’ll treat it as statewide.) Anyhow… Citation, Chevy?

Next, on the radio, I then heard an ad for the “Center For Aging,” which, according to the commercial, seems to be AGAINST aging. They seem to promote things to prevent aging, so I don’t know why the name makes it seem like they are FOR aging. Oh, well… I suppose there is only one option that is NOT aging, and that includes six feet of dirt and a wood box, so maybe aging is something that I am in favor of myself.

Then there are names that are not necessarily questionable choices, but just might lead to awkward moments. A few years ago, I was with some military buddies, doing some weekend travels through Europe. We were in Amsterdam, a city known for having pretty much EVERYTHING for sale… and we were in a section of town particularly known for having SERIOUSLY everything for sale. We’d stopped at a street vendor’s booth, where a guy was selling bootleg music CDs. The guy offered any CD for five guilder or whatever it was. We weren’t finding any of the music that we liked so my buddy asked, “How ’bout U2?”

The vendor looked quite disturbed, backed away defensively, and launched into a very solid and sincere argument regarding how he was ONLY selling CDs, nothing else, and he would NOT be for sale himself, no sir. If we wanted THAT kind of thing, we needed to go elsewhere (like down any nearby alley)… he was NOT for sale.

Sincerely yours, Kdog (A name chosen for the irony of being the least “urban” fella you’ll ever meet… even with that “thug life” I mentioned earlier)!