Kdog’s Road Report 08/23/18

Roads are clear… like yesterday. No hazards, no inclement weather, nothing to interrupt the commute… just like yesterday. Yesterday… the day that this column paid no homage to any kind of, “national day,” as we frequently do, when some great thing is to be celebrated.

But, see, yesterday WAS, “National Tooth Fairy Day.” And… I did not acknowledge that guy. I wanted to exact a little payback on him… and I wanted something with some teeth in it… something with a little bite. I figured that a brutal and intentional snub on his, “big day,” might do the trick. Don’t get me wrong: I have nothing against his arrow- toting, romance- inducing cousin, the cherub known as, “Cuspid” (or the LGBTQ one, known as, “Bi- Cuspid”), but the Tooth Fairy? We’re not on good terms.

See, when I was a kid, the Tooth Fairy brought me nickels. Nickels. Sure, later on, in my advanced years of tooth exchanging, I occasionally received a dime, but that was the max… ten lousy cents.

However, 20 years beyond THAT, when I became a dad, two things happened: The Tooth Fairy no longer provided any funds whatsoever… but the payout amount had increased significantly. Like, by 10,000%… at a minimum! Kids demand a minimum of $5.00 now, and even that isn’t considered “good…” In order for a kid to feel like he got a decent deal, enough so that he will tell his friends, there has to be a $20.00 (40,000%!!!) extortion fee paid BY THE DAD.

Now, if I had been smart, and had invested the Tooth Fairy money I got as a kid, with interest, I’d have close to $3.00 by now. Alas, lacking insight (oh, to be more incisal), I squandered it. It was a tough time in my life… sort of a rough periodontal.

So, now, I don’t see any reason for the Tooth Fairy to have a special day. When some do- gooders tried, by making August 22, “National Tooth Fairy Day,” I skipped it… on purpose… and I don’t even feel bad.

Now, brace yourself: I heard a rumor that one of our local dental groups is assisting with the cost of the Lake Gregory Dam Project. The Crestline Dental Office has purchased some of the heavy equipment used in the project, including a drill, and a new steammolar. They’ve contributed funding in exchange for naming rights. Eventually, it will be called the, “Crestline Dental Dam…” there will even be a plaque to note the name. (Note that, despite rumor, The Crestline Bridge will keep its name, and will not be renamed, “The Crestline Partial.”)

I had an uncle with really bad teeth. However, after testimony from a shady orthodontist, instead of prison, after a cavity search, he was remanded to a dental health facility instead. Some of the other inmates filling that place are part of a gang of dentists who got busted for incisor trading. I have no idea why THOSE guys were not re- mandible to prison.

The other day, I was speaking with Ms. Vitis… I asked, “Ginger, how did you denture car?” She said that she swerved too hard to the cleft when a canine ran out in front of her car… it was a brush with death. She even went o veneer the edge of the cliff. Her car was declared a total floss, but she saliva ‘n’ well.

Please don’t hold today’s long- in- the- tooth series of awful puns against me… oral be forced to root around for another line of work. Then folks might even call me Tooth DKdog.