Roads are hard, dry, and have lots of curves. There will be construction happening on Hwy. 18 later today, but for now it’s all good out there… other than the part about me not having any road reporting to do. Muzzled or not, I still have the obligation to write some words and stuff, so here goes… sort of another “current events” day.
Hippo spanking is apparently a thing. No, it’s not a euphemism for anything, at least not that I am aware of, but apparently a guy got into the hippo enclosure at the Los Angeles Zoo last week and smacked, “Rosie,” the hippo, on the butt. Never mind that slapping a hippo on the butt (most of a hippo IS butt, incidentally) is as suicidal as Russian Roulette with only one EMPTY chamber, but this guy did it (and, lucky for him, the hammer landed on the empty chamber). I’m going to hazard a guess that alcohol was involved, and it wasn’t Rosie doing the drinking.
In other news, Rosie the hippo has requested entry as the first “super- mega- plus- plus- plus sized model” to join the #MeToo movement. You hippo spankers: Your time is up.
Officials at Carlsbad Caverns National Park have announced plans to move the caverns to a more accessible location, three miles east of the current site. Contractors from all over the U.S. had submitted bids for the construction, but Perkins Construction, from Winslow AZ, won the contract. “The Caverns have always had stalactites, stalagmites, and those things that meet in the middle, but those are all kind of boring, vertically- based attractions… we’ll be adding a number of much better things, like cartoon- based statues and some animated children’s story characters when the new caverns are constructed,” said spokesperson Arlen “Caveman” Goddard.
The old caverns will remain open during construction, but will eventually be demolished and “filled in” with dirt taken from the construction of the new caverns (which, incidentally, will be called, “Verizon Caverns”).
Environmentalists have exposed a new hazard. It turns out that for at least five years (maybe more), Cal Fire has been using dihydrogen monoxide to suppress fires. This substance is known to kill thousands of people every year, in many different ways. Evidence has been presented showing that CalFire was aware of the presence of this substance, as their hoses and pumps have been specifically designed to accommodate this stuff. Firefighting clothing has been designed to repel this substance, and the breathing apparati (apparatuses? apparatus? apparatuss’s? thingies…. yes, thingies…) have been created to filter this substance (among others) out of the air they breathe. When using it for fire suppression, the runoff has been proven to enter waterways, including lakes, rivers, streams, and even the ocean. In fact, our own Lake Gregory has concentrations of dihydrogen monoxide that exceed that found in automotive exhaust, bovine flatulence, Uncle Pull- My- Finger flatulence, and volcanic eruptions.
Additionally, it has been shown that when dihydrogen monoxide reaches the ground, it can produce a substance known as, “mud.” Battalion Chief Marvin Sprinter says, “Extensive testing has shown that both Hydrogen and Oxygen are found in this substance… and it just seems dangerous to use substances that modern science knows nothing about!” Legislation has been presented in the hope of immediately enacting a moratorium on the use of dihydrogen monoxide for fire suppression.
Finally, in Butte, Montana, police have planted a “bait car,” in a sting operation attempting to catch car thieves. The car is a tantalizing 1968 Camaro with candy- apple red paint and a hood scoop. Cops have left it on a street in Butte, with the keys in the ignition, the car idling, and the doors open… low- hanging fruit for potential car thieves. So far, though, nobody has tried.
The car was placed there in July of 2005. The department has spent over $25,000 refueling the vehicle… this does not include the cost of surveillance by officers, or administrative costs associated with this program. However, nobody has touched it. Officers have even gone so far donning street clothes, and trying talking people into, “just taking the car for a spin.” The police department entered sort of a “grey area” when they placed an ad in the paper, offering a “free car,” but, still no takers. One officer narrowly avoided prosecution when he was caught attempting to shove people into the car. But, in low- crime Montana, the car just idles on.
Folks, that’s all I’ve got.