Roads are mostly clear today: There’s no precipitation, no ice, no rocks, no fog, no smoke, no wrecks, no worries. But… skunks? Yep… they’re all over the place (to be clear, today, my reference to “skunks” is regarding the little furry black and white creatures, not politicians).
I’ve had just about enough of skunks… they’ve been electrifying me awake, almost nightly, like a cruel gag performed with smelling- salts. There’s no shortage of those creatures waddling around, either… rare is the morning that I do not see at least one, not even counting the countless black and white lumps of fuzz on the road. A few days ago, R-3 conditions were declared on the street in front of my house: Skunk chains were required just to get down my street, before the plows came by. Sometimes, even as I walk out to my car, I see them skittering away, under the car, into the bushes, out to the street… everywhere. They are typically pretty good natured, and they rarely spray without some pretty antagonistic antagonation, but still… it’s never good to have the potential for the ol’ chemical warfare skulking nearby.
However, in spite of the annoyance of skunk aroma, it’s still preferable to the man-made stenches found down the hill. For example, each morning, my commute takes me down I-15, past Fourth Street… there, the aroma of Rancho Cucamonga’s sewage treatment plant greets my nostrils… way to keep it classy, Kookamonga!
And, now I’m dealing with putridosity at the office, too. Full disclosure: This one is my fault. See, I keep a metal box filled with food under my desk. If I need a snack, or even a whole meal, I can grab something out of my pantry. The locked metal box keeps bugs out, keeps the freshness in, and even prevents the hungry late- night janitor from enjoying my groceries. Hey, it’s not like he’s Santa Claus or anything.
About a week ago, I placed an orange in the box… but, then I forgot about it for just a few of those days. By the time I opened the box up two days ago, the orange had turned into a green… it was a covered with powdery mold, mostly green, with some white dust on it, too. And WOW! That thing had become Puuuu- HHHHUUUUUU- uuuuun- GENT! It had to be removed from the room, and taken far from the building.
Well, now I have discovered that all of the other food that was in that box is now “rotten orange” flavored. Cheez- Its, saltines, Ramen noodles… everything that was in that box was essentially destroyed by the fragrant fruit. Of course, I gave it the ol’ college try… I’m not big on throwing food away, so I tried to eat it. But the stuff was so bad that even when I was able to choke it down, its Agent Orange aftertaste lingered for hours… yes, hours. My trash can was subsequently filled up with a lot of food that LOOKED fine… but simply wasn’t worth the misery. And, yes, THAT food had to be carted away from the building, too… the people in my office who dine on kimchi, Limburger cheese, or leftover fish complained to me that my trash can smelled bad. Ha! They should have smelled my BREATH after eating that stuff!
Oh, but apparently, that’s nothing compared to what superstitious Egyptians are into: See, during a construction project in Egypt recently, a huge sarcophagus was discovered. A few days ago, archaeologists opened it… and discovered three skeletons, floating in a brownish, soupy, liquid.
Well, superstitious people want some that! They believe that this must possess some sort of magical qualities… there are a number of online petitions and other forms of demand, in which people are DEMANDING that they be allowed to drink this magical elixir. Google it… last count showed over 20,000 people petitioning for this privilege.
Now, it’s been examined, and clearly explained that the liquid is actually modern sewage… it had leaked into the sarcophagus through a crack in the coffin. It’s been absolutely confirmed as sewage. It IS sewage. It is the flushed excrement of modern man… but do you think that this fact has deterred those who wish to guzzle the goo? Nope… they are rabid. They are DEMANDING it! I guess it’s a good thing I’m not the head sarcophagus guy there, because I would damn sure let them drink it… if the people want to drink skeleton- stew made of poop and pee, well, by golly, let ‘em!
(Google that story, or check out one of the many petitions on www.change.org… ya can’t make this stuff up!)
Okay, we’re talking about stink here… dignity was left behind long ago (Ha! As if this column was ever known for its sensitivity and class!). A few days ago, Mrs. Kdog and I were dogsitting… a big dog. The dog was the nicest, sweetest dog you could imagine… but he prefers to poop INSIDE the house. No amount of walking around outside would convince him to go there… that dog dutifully held it in, until he was INSIDE, and only then would he take care of business. Anyhow, I awoke one morning to find the dog’s usual ginormous gift laying there on the floor… but as I tried to clean up the mess, the aroma overcame me, causing me to unexpectedly hurl the contents of my stomach to the floor. It was like a really bad frat- boy movie… almost funny, even. I can handle all kinds of grue and filth and disgusting things, but poop is my Kryptonite… I don’t handle it well.
In fact, I’m pretty sure that I could live just fine without any common scents.