The end is near… THE END IS NEAR! No need to repent just yet, though… save that for AFTER the party next Monday night. For now, it’s still business as usual: continue to drink, smoke, curse, gamble, debauch, drive 5 MPH over the speed limit, or whatever until then.
Roads are easy to navigate today. It’s chilly (in a relative, Southern- California sense), with Crestline being in 25-ish degree air today. However, roads were dry… at least in my neck o’ the woods. I understand that some parts of the mountain got partially precipitized yesterday, so if any of that is still on the pavement, you could get sideways or unstoppable (well… EVENTUALLY, you will always stop). There’s a breeze swirling about, although I didn’t see any rocks on the road yet. Incidentally, Rancho Cucamonga, this morning’s destination for my commute, is really windy. There’s debris shooting across the freeway, and side streets have downed trees. So… wind may be on the menu for the mountain, today, too.
Today is National Pledge of Allegiance Day. Now, there are not a lot of things that I deem too sacred to make fun of… however, the Pledge of Allegiance is one of them. Here it is, in all of its glory:
I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Here’s to the greatest nation in the entire freakin’ Universe!
Okay, on to more trivial matters. Today is National Card Playing Day. As far as I can tell, this celebrates all kinds of card games, from Poker to Go Fish to Bridge to Uno.
Have some gin, or have some rum… better yet, make it a round of gin rummy. Not too much though: you don’t want to end up face-down, like a rookie. If your face begins to flush, just cut on out of the club, and go straight home so you can queen up. Maybe get a new pair of pants, or even a new suit. Or, call somebody: take a dime ‘nd stick it in the phone booth… along with about another buck in change, if you can even FIND a booth— and call somebody to take you to the full house.
One of my childhood friends, whose dad was quite a gambler, had just begun first grade, when our teacher called him to the front, and asked him to count off the numbers he knew… however, he petered out fairly quickly:” ….six… seven… eight… nine… ten…” and he stopped. The teacher told him to continue. So, Frankie resumed: “… Jack… Queen… King…”
In the past few weeks—coinciding, it seems, with holiday festivating—the number on my bathroom scale has been increasing. This is due to Carbs Against Humanity.
Then there’s the one about the cowboys playing poker in an old west saloon. One of the cowpokes laid down his winning hand, only to have another player jump up, ready to shoot him. “Gawldangit! That there dirty scoundrel is a cheatin’!!! He AIN’T playin’ the cards I dealt him!”
Do you know what the two basic rules for success at poker are? First, never tell anybody anything useful.
So, true story: A while back, I was playing cards with friends… it was supposed to be a friendly game, one called “Acey Deucey.” Now, in this game, essentially, every time you draw a card, you are betting against the pot of loot in the center of the table… and, you need to MATCH whatever is out there, if you choose to bet. If there’s a buck on the table, you need to put another buck into the pot: If you lose, well, you lose. If you win, it’s ALL yours.. both bucks! This means that with every hand that is bet upon, the pot DOUBLES in size. But, see, this type of betting tends to go high… very quickly. With just a few hands, that single buck can double a few times and become THOUSANDS of dollars. And, that’s what happened in this friendly game with four players. We were just young fellas (this was WEEKS ago, at least…), without a lot of disposable income. However, once we all ran out of cash to ante (yes, it WAS thousands of $$$), other forms of currency ended up in the pot: there were a few watches and other jewelry items. There were IOU notes… there were at least two vehicle titles, and a number of promissory notes giving ownership of washers, dryers, snowblowers, a horse, and—I am not making this up—naming rights to one bettor’s firstborn, at some point in the future. This was utter insanity.
The fun was gone… it became abject terror for all. Cigars went dead, as perspiration and trembling took over the room. Ball-bustin’, dirty jokes, and the occasional chugging of a beer were replaced by whispered foul language, often in repetitious patterns. Sometimes, we could even HEAR one of the aforementioned drops of perspiration as it cascaded down a forehead, detached from the producer’s face, whistled though the air and splashed onto the table.
Fortunately, though, we decided to do the unthinkable: we talked it out, and agreed to simply distribute the pile of stuff as best we could to original owners. (Note: Casinos do not allow this method of recovery to be employed.) This kept friendships intact, and prevented shootings, heart failure, poverty, dirty clothes, or children named, “Mydadisaloserwithatinyorgan.” And that game was never played again under my roof. ‘Cause, I liked having a roof and all.
Hey, do you know what the difference is between a large pizza, and a professional card player? Well, a pizza can feed a family of four…
When you are at the poker table, look around. Spot the chump… he’s the guy who’s gonna lose. NOTE: If you can’t pick the chump out, it’s you.
So, what’s the difference between prayer in church, and prayer at the poker table? Well, at the poker table, you really mean it!
So, the weekend is upon us… the last weekend of 2018. Party down, party up, party sideways. Have a heart, and get your dog spade at the kennel club… ‘cause diamonds are a dog’s best friend? Damn… sorry… really lost my pun momentum there, but the deck is clearly stacked against me, and I got a little jacked up. Might be time for me to fold, with nothing more up this sleeve of mine. You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em… know when to walk away, know when to run… (You are welcome… you’ll have THAT tune in your head ALL. DAY. LONG!!!).