Good morning, ridiculously resourceful road report readers! Bravo to you for checking this source every single day!
The drive today is easy… freezing temps are out there, but with the mountain weather being mostly arid today, ice isn’t a factor. Wind, fog, rocks, and any of the other usual suspects are in hiding, somewhere… not to be found here, anyhow. Even the drift course that was created yesterday on Highway 18 has been re-engripified by sweeping most of the anti-friction gravel off of the road, so you are once again free to see just how hard you can hang on through the turns. Geez, yesterday, the pullable G’s were so low that CHP requested that lanes be closed until the sitch was corrected. Apparently… it has been. So whip it… whip it good.
Random: This morning, on Highway 138, I found a zippered pouch containing some odd electrical adapters and computerish cords. If it’s yours, please contact my media group, who can give you instructions on how to reach one of my agents. The agent will deliver a message to whichever of my personal assistants is on duty, and a message can be delivered to me. (It’s really cool: They bring notes on parchment paper with calligraphy on it, delivered by a deeply-bowing eunuch, bearing one of those silver-domed platters. Plus, there’s always a gong sound to accompany it.) As a Very Important Journalist, great care is given to delivering messages to my throne. Anyhow, arrangements can then be made for my team to perform a materials exchange operation, to return the item to you.
Or, just call me. Whatever.
Okay, so I may have exaggerated the whole message delivery thing. However, I am reminded (simply because of the mention of a note… really; this segue is a little bit of a stretch) of a recent experience, one in which I was afflicted with a bad case of laryngitis. I had to go to the bank, though. I went to the counter and wrote a note explaining that I could not speak due to my condition. (I know… one must exercise some caution when silently slipping notes to bank tellers… the act CAN be misinterpreted. Not to worry: I intentionally rolled my ski mask up OVER my eyebrows once I got to the window.) The teller read my note, nodded and smiled sympathetically, then carefully penned out a response to me explaining that she understood and would be happy to assist me. I actually had to write her another note, clarifying that while MY voice was not functioning, my ears were.
My buddy made brownies the other day (no, Spicolli, not THAT kind… what is WITH you people?!?). Anyhow, he didn’t have enough of one ingredient so he substituted. It did not work: The brownies were awful. Lesson: Don’t ever fudge brownies.
Speaking of “buddies,” today is, “National Answer the Telephone Like Buddy the Elf Day.” So, if you do a good Will Farrel, today is your day to shine… no more being stuck on a shelf.
I have a friend. He had a number of credit cards with high balances. He was paying ABOUT 20% per card and the monthly payments were eating him alive. He recently found a consolidation company that took ALL of his debt and consolidated it into a single balance with only a 30% interest rate. My buddy thinks he got a great deal, as all of those twenty-percents apparently added up to, maybe, a couple of hundred percent… making 30% a great bargain. Please, in the same way that you should not send money to Nigerian Princes, or give your log-in info to the “Windows Support Team” when they call, or rush off to provide money to the IRS officer who is coming to arrest you, please do not do this. Take a math class instead.
I like to read reviews of new car models… but I’ve been having a very hard time finding info on some recent models I hear advertised, including the Dodge Clearance, the Lexus Event, and even the 2018 Chevrolet Blowout.
Okay, weird news: The endangered Monk Seals of Hawaii have recently been found—many times—with eels stuck in their freakin’ nostrils… like, actually just dangling out of their noses. Now, to be fair, wildlife experts have only found this weird thing in juvenile seals… they have not seen it in adults. Nobody knows why, or even how the eels get there, but there have been many recent incidents reported—and even photographed—of these eels dangling from the nostrils of surly teenage seals. (We do not even know if the seals feel that they are in distress, or if they are actually “showing off”!) Indeed, it seems reminiscent of the “condom challenge,” a real thing that human juveniles do, in which they attempt to snort a condom up their nose and yack it out of their mouth. Apparently, youth of all DNA types are hell-bent on some quest to be as utterly disgusting as possible, but it appears that the monk seal youth are doing better than the human youth… condoms are pretty disgusting, but eels? Come on human youth… you can do better! The seals have upped THEIR game… so, up YOURS!
That’s all I have today. Computer guy who can’t plug his computer in today: Call me. Youth: find something incredibly disgusting to shock us grown-ups with. (Don’t be a heel: The ordeal of the seals with eels feels like it appeals, but keep your eyes peeled for the real deal.) Keep your 20% credit cards. Wear sunscreen. Answer the phone like Buddy the Elf, and use note-writing privileges wisely. And remember, we’re barely still on the “days till Christmas” countdown… we’re more like “hours till,” now.