This article brought to you by Lake Gregory Recreation
Roads are easy… the pavement offers nothing unusual, but always keep an eye out for the wild cards: animals. You just never know where or when they are going to jump into the trajectory that your car is on.
So, a few days ago, Mrs. Kdog and I were in Humboldt County, CA, a place near and dear to our hearts. But, see, it’s a funny place, and not just because of its Emerald Triangle reputation. In the news, I read that on August 3rd, a Sheriff’s deputy was responding to a medical call on Highway 96, sort of a more-rural-than-others road in Northern California. He had lights and sirens activated, when a very inconsiderate bear fell onto his car. Yup… a bear just sort of fell off of the embankment above, and landed on the cop car.
The cop was okay… no injuries. The bear, inconsiderate still, bolted and has not been seen since, although, they do have a description of the suspect: “teen.” The car, however, ended up rolling over, catching fire, and being utterly destroyed… it even sparked a small brush fire.
No word on how this bear-on-bear event will be dealt with. I’m suggesting that the cops outfit their cruisers with bear umbrellas.
A friend of mine—also in Humboldt County—got hit by a deer one night. He had come to a stop in the road, narrowly avoiding a herd of deer. Apparently, though, one busy-body deer decided to teach the driver a lesson, so that big ol’ buck came around and rammed the side of the car, denting the door.
A few years ago, I was performing my duties as designated driver for a group of friends. Upon our late night return from them drinking, I encountered a number of large boars in the road, which I deftly avoided. However, the swerving motion of the car awoke one intoxicated passenger, who groggily asked what the swerving was all about. I told him about the giant freakin’ pigs… and he begged me to go back and show him. Apparently, he’d never seen things like that before. Oh, city folk.
The road was rather narrow, with no good place to turn around, so I just put the car into reverse, and gave it some pedal. Pretty soon we were booking along at about 30 MPH, when, BAM!!! I hit one of those things pretty hard. In the dim reverse lights, I could see it sail through the air… that thing went seriously airborne. Anyhow, it eventually made landfall, where it rolled and somersaulted and I think even did a handstand at the very end, just to show off. It then stood up, shook itself off, and went to work spending the next couple of minutes trying to intimidate the car. It certainly appeared that this beast had not suffered any serious injury… which I can’t say for the car, as my BMW looked like it had been rearended by a 300 pound hog at 30 MPH. That pig is probably still sitting in a bar somewhere, slugging back shots of whiskey, and telling the younger pigs his tale about the time he beat up a car.
Oh, so not exactly a real collision story, but still a car vs. animal thing… so here goes: I was washing my car one evening. At one point, I heard the tiny “thud” of something landing on my windshield. I looked, and was surprised to see a bat sprawled out near the top of my windshield. I cannot explain this, but I swear that the bat looked EMBARRASSED. Only, it got worse for the bat… a couple of seconds after he landed, he began to slide down the slope of the windshield. It was slow, and that lil’ trooper tried real hard to hang on… his little tiny claws made a tiny but hilarious squealing sound as he tried to slow his descent. Alas, it was to no avail… he ended up at the very bottom edge of the windshield, even more embarrassed now, I’m sure, given that I was still standing there with a running hose watching this little Bozo demonstrate his poor agility and his diminishing pride.
At the bottom of the windshield now, he turned, stood up (I can’t swear to this part, but in my mind’s eye, I’m almost sure he brushed himself off, and tried to look dignified), and WALKED—on two legs, like a little tiny man—to the edge of the hood. Once there, he took a leap, spread his wings, and was gone.
When Jack Nicholsen takes a bat to a windshield, the police are going to end up being involved. However, this bat-to-the-windshield required no such action, but sure made me laugh my bats off.
Watch out for falling bears, clumsy bats, and deranged deer. You might think that these won’t happen to you, but I’ll tell you this for sure: these will happen when pigs fly. And trust me on this: pigs do fly.