This article brought to you by Davis Auto Body
Good Monday morning, commuters… today’s drive is just like every other typical drive, as there have been no wild cards thrown out there, no surprises, nothing to liven the journey up at all. However, today, August 5, takes me back to the 5th grade, as the joke of the day, which will be repeated multiple times today in my office (almost certainly by nobody other than just me) goes sort of like this:
I’ll ask, “Hey! What are you eating under there?!?”
My mark will respond with, “Under WHERE?”
To which I will then gleefully chortle about the clear conclusion that they are eating underwear.
Today, my friends, is National Underwear day. And, today, it is 100% legal and acceptable to wear underwear to work, school, the park, the grocery store, even to a funeral (hopefully, you don’t have any of those on the schedule today, just sayin’)! Naturally, you should wear something else OVER the underwear, of course, but the underwear is totally allowed.
You’ve probably all wondered… and wanted to ask, “Kdog: boxers or briefs?”
To which I would surely take the opportunity to respond with, “Depends…”
So, today, panties, girdles, thongs, bras, jockstraps, tighty-whities (tighties-whitey?), chonies, long johns… we’re celebrating ’em. I have no idea, though, if we are celebrating socks, so hold off on those until our legal department is able to confirm or deny the validity of hosiery hallelujahs today.
There’s a great story in the news… you may want to Google it for more details and pictures. Basically, this dude was walking down the street in Queens—New York!— when he found a full, fresh, wrapped In-N-Out Burger just sitting on a sidewalk! Now, the nearest In-N-Out is probably 2,000 miles from there… so the mystery here is… a real mystery. The guy who found it is quoted as saying, “This genuinely shook me to my core!”
So, I recently read that the correct pronunciation of the word “almond” leaves the “L” as silent… we’re supposed to say, “ammund.” Weird. But I guess we’re used to “salmon,” although “Lincoln” really raises questions when you can’t remember WHICH “L” is silent. But, whatever. This has gotten me to wondering what other things might have a silent “L”… How about Schlitz beer? Clock? Leat my schlortz?!? Oh, well… just chalk it up to the fact that half of folks won’t walk and talk at the same time… even if they could do so calmly.
Smokers are a dying breed…
Why do SoCal traffic reporters still insist on using the nicknames for freeways? Rarely can you find these nicknames on a map… Maps use numbers, like Route 60, Interstate 15, or Highway 18. But Golden State Freeway? San Bernardino Freeway (which, incidentally, I notice leads directly AWAY from San Bernardino!). How ’bout the “Hollywood Freeway,” which includes multiple numbered freeways? It’s tough enough for us SoCalifornians… I can only imagine the difficulty for tourists, especially those with limited English skills.
Of course, we have the “La Canada” freeway, which does NOT even go from L.A. to Canada… not even close! We’ve got Cahuenga Pass… (pronounced, “Canoga Park”). The Orange Crush is NOT refreshing, but Newhall pass always brings back memories of the ol, “Bob Newhall Show.”
I’ve discovered that SoCal is unique in our own references to highways… here, we talk about, “going down the 10,” or “crossing over the 60.” It’s the “the” that makes our language unique: everywhere else, they say, “Interstate 10,” or “Highway 60.” None of this “the” stuff for the people in the rest of the country. To us, it’s just how we talk, and it seems normal… to everybody else, it seems strange.
Today is National Oyster day. Don’t clam up, but I’ll agree that it’s a little odd to celebrate this day in AUGUST… as there’s an old mantra that says something to the effect that it’s only safe to eat oysters in months containing the letter “R,” and this month does not meet that standard. Not sure if that’s a pearl of wisdom, or if it’s just crackers.
Whatever… did you know that oysters are “bi”? Well, they are bivalves. Plus, they are hermaphrodites, too, so that’s maybe sort of in the same category, kind of, in a way…?!? Aaaaand… they’re famous for being aphrodisiacs, too… but I figure that if these things are hermaphrodite, bi, aphrodisiacs, you might want to just exercise some caution in their application. Oh, come on… we support diversity! Even pearl divers-ity!
I’m on a seafood diet… when I see food, I eat it. I’m tired of being a shrimp… I want some mussels.
Did you know that one kind of oyster harvested from Long Island Sound is called the “Naked Cowboy Oyster”? Sure enough… named after Manhattan’s most famous street performer. That guy really knows how a play a guitar and rock a feller.
Folks, that’s just about as random as you can get for a road report. My apologies for the oyster theme never finding it’s way to pun lobster, Blue Oyster Cult, or kipper. Maybe I should have asked Elon Mollusk for help.