Roads remain problem free. No need to waste time and verbs and stuff on a thing that needs no discussion. See, class, we’ve got a lot to cover today: Today is (Are? Has? Recognizes? Dang it… I hope we do some English and grammar today.) so many national freakin’ days that I just don’t even know if we’ll get to them all. Sit down, make sure your No. 2 pencils are sharpened. Wait, do the pencils FIRST, then sit down for No. 2. Nope, that totally didn’t seem right either. Okay, use the restroom FIRST, then sharpen your pencils, then sit down. But try to do these at different times, so we don’t get a traffic jam at the pencil sharpener. Oh, and please be quiet. Dang… my first minute of my first day of teaching class, and I’m already a mess.
First, Math class: Today is National Yellow Pig day, which, duh, obviously, is a celebration of the number 17. Apparently, in the 1960’s, a couple of mathematicians coined the idea of associating the number 17 with “yellow pig,” and from there, the day gained its notoriety. These two guys were apparently huge fans of this number, and while there are many really obscure observations of the number 17, I only found a few that even approached slightly interesting: 17 is a prime number, AND it is the sum of the first four prime numbers (2, 3, 5, 7). Apparently, mathematicians have thus deemed 17 to be a PREMIUM prime number… I guess that makes it more popular with the ladies, or it costs more, or gets more legroom, or maybe it gets VIP treatment at the spa? I don’t know. Whatever… 17 has been determined to be the most common random number. When people are asked to select any number between 1 and 20, a number of studies have shown that 17 is the most commonly selected number. So, there… that’s super interesting. Like a yellow pig.
History class: Today is National Wrong Way Corrigan day. See, in 1907, Douglass Corrigan was born… he always dreamed of following in Charles Lindbergh’s steps… or turbulence, or wake, or whatever it is when you follow a pilot. Anyhow, Corrigan wanted to be a pilot who made history. Well, in 1938 he requested permission to fly out of New York and across the Atlantic, but was denied, due to the fact that his airplane was deemed too old and unworthy for such a flight. So, he dejectedly headed back home to California… But, weird, somehow accidentally totally got lost, and his instruments went all haywire, and he somehow ended up 28 hours later, in the country where all of the Scottish live: Ireland!
He forever maintained that this was entirely accidental. There are skeptics, of course, who have their suspicions that this was not quite as accidental as claimed, but, however it happened, Corrigan DID gain fame, and was thereafter known as Wrong Way Corrigan.
Health and Nutrition class: Today is National Hot Dog day. I don’t know why this is not celebrated on July 4, as this is the traditional day that Americans consume over eleventy quadrazillion dogs, with Joey Chestnut consuming MOST of those. Whatever… I love hot dogs, so more days to celebrate ‘em is fine with me. So, even if you don’t LIKE hot dogs, celebrate today by having a few, if only for the fabulous health benefits. Don’t forget the cheese, the mustard, and the soft white bun for maximum nutritional benefit.
Penmanship class: Today is also National Tattoo day. Celebrate by getting that ink. I’m considering the following: A third eye on my forehead, maybe some colorful varicose veins on my legs, or even a tattoo across the front of my neck that reads, “I LOVE CATS.” I don’t know… Maybe I need to put a little more thought into this, and be SURE, because I’ve heard that tats—like cats—can last for a long time.
Dang it, one more thing for math class: Today is National Lottery day. Odds are that you won’t win the lottery, ever, in your lifetime. That’s just simple math. However, please note that odds become even MORE astronomically remote if you are a person who never buys a lottery ticket. Sure, as ironic as it may seem, you will almost certainly be more financially well off if you never buy a lottery ticket, but you will NEVER win it, if you don’t buy a ticket. You gotta pay to play.
Finally, kids: Stay off of drugs, and make sure drugs stay off of you. A guy got busted the other day at an airport in Spain, after cops noticed that this guy looked very nervous… and his head of hair seemed freakin’ huge. They inspected the guy… and found a half-kilo of coke hidden (apparently not so well!) under his toupee. Talk about a cokehead!
Class dismissed!