Roads: No sweat, no worries. Not on the mountain, anyhow… down here on the flat parts, we have traffic signals and congestion, and right now, an 18-wheeler laying on its side on I-15 near Foothill In Rancho Kook. THAT traffic is no joy… I hope that you don’t have to spend time sitting in that mess today, as THIS guy had to.
Today is National Corn Fritter day…’cause, see, we just don’t celebrate enough really obscure items. Well, get a sitter, Tweet on Twitter, don’t be bitter (it’ll make you fatter not fitter… but you’ll be a heavy hitter!), please don’t litter, and never come home from “out havin’ a drink with the boys” with anything on your face that looks like glitter.
So, this guy shows up at the Pearly Gates, where he is greeted by St. Peter. The Guarder of the Gate asked him, “What have you done to deserve entry into Heaven?”
The guy responded, saying: ”I was recently in a business meeting at work, where one of my co-workers used the word ‘supposebly’ SEVEN times… but I just kept my mouth shut.”
“Welcome to Heaven!” said St. Peter.
That, undoubtably, would seem orientated to see who is concerned… or who could care less, excetera, irregardless of what’s right. Whether you are a nucular scientist, a real-ator, or you sell jewlery, it’s mischievious to be PROBLY wrong. Maybe it’s just not your nitch.
An American scientist recently went missing on the Greek island of Crete… her body was later found. Police there say she was murdered… surely by Cretins.
Hey! This road report column, aka: “Daily Report,” is picking up steam. In fact, I’m considering writing a spin-off column… but I will need to hire a spoofreader.
So, maybe you’ve seen the big plan to storm Area 51. Somebody recently posted on Facebook the idea that a group of people could charge the gates… and that with enough people, the government would not be able to stop EVERYBODY. The post began as a joke… but now that 600,000 have have ”signed up” for the event, saying that they plan to be there for the storming of the gates, well, the government is starting to take it seriously.
Now, some of the more radical participants seem quite serious, and are also boldly making the claim that any citizen has the RIGHT to enter the site… since we pay taxes, we own it, they claim. I’m not quite convinced that this argument will stand up in court, as I can think of a number of places owned by the government that we have not been granted free access to… ‘cause it just doesn’t work that way.
Not uncoincidentally, I think, the same people making THAT claim also tend to be the ones who are the MOST convinced that Area 51 contains actual aliens and actual flying saucers from actual outer space. Now, I cannot say that it does NOT… I’m simply observing the characteristics of who thinks what.
Finally, it just doesn’t seem wise: just because somebody said that the government “can’t stop us all” does NOT make this a true statement. In fact, the government has a lot of tools in its giant military box that could easily stop us all. It doesn’t seem smart to put a soft and fleshy 160 lb. sack of guts up against a 70-ton M1A1 Abrams filled with HEAT rounds. Especially given that there is a distinct possibility that Area 51 contains nothing more than a whole bunch of people with Top Secret clearances to play video games all day… making Area 51 the diversion from the REAL place where aliens and flying saucers ARE kept!
Mrs. Kdog recently got after me… said she was tired of me impersonating a flamingo. However, I’m the man of the house: I had to put my foot down.
In a recent installment of the Daily Report, I complained about the installation of new traffic lights along my commute route, and the additional time I spend on the daily trek because of them. This got me to thinking, though, about the total number of lights I encounter daily, and that total time: my commute alone routes me through 34 freakin’ traffic signals every day. If I spend an average of even slightly LESS than one minute at each, this results in an annual time spent of 120 hours. ONE-HUNDRED and TWENTY HOURS PER YEAR! A full time job keeps a fella busy for 40 hours per week… so this is like three weeks of a full time job, every year… just sitting at red lights. Aging. Growing old. Not doing anything productive, fun, or beneficial. Just. Sitting…. These kinds of revelations remind me that I have GOT to escape from the horrors of a daily commute. It is literally draining the life out of me.
Oh, and I can feel it coming: one of these days, I’m going to add up how much of my lifetime will be lost to Southern California traffic jams… or to my commute time in total… or even to waiting in line at the DMV. Sure, it’ll most likely be a depressing stat to swallow, but maybe this will motivate me to move to some remote location.
I simply can’t bear the idea of frittering my life away on a commute. It’s time to put my foot down: I’m moving to Area 51. Heck, I guess I own the place, right? Irregardless of what some might say, that’ll supposably be way better.