This report brought to you by Rim Chiropractic
As discussed in a previous column, we’ll devote very little to “road conditions” today, as there’s little to discuss. Like, disgustingly little discussion to be discussed. Damn. Oops… sorry. No need to discuss your disgust that I just cussed.
It should be noted, though, that traffic volume is at an all-time low today. There’s no school in session, and many folks have no obligation to work. Plus, you know what they say: those who drink a fifth on the fourth, may not be so able to go forth on the fifth… so that might be hanging over for some folks today. If that happens to be YOUR sitch, just go get yourself some Gatorade… you need to replace all of the electric lights in your system.
WHAT I IF TOLD
YOU
THAT YOU JUST READ
THE TOP LINE WRONG?!?
But, for some of us… here we are, working the shortest workweek of the year. Today seems like Monday… and also Friday, and hump day, even the “T” days… it’s a workweek that’s ONE freakin’ DAY LONG! I’m not sure if I should be peeved about having to be here, or giddy about only having to be cubicle-bound for one single day in a row… peeved or giddy… giddy or peeved… peeved/giddy? Maybe I’ll just ask P. Diddy. Or is it Puff Daddy? Pimp Daddy? Puff Daddy Master P. Cougar Mellencamp Jefferson Starplane, the artist formerly known as Yusef Muslim… or even Crosby, Stills, Nash, Emerson, Young, Emerson again, Lake, Palmer, Powell, Lake Powell, and Puff Snoop Dog Diddy Lion?!?
Today is National Bikini Day, so let’s devote just a few itsy bitsy teeny weenie yellow polka dot words to this important annual observation. On this day, it is perfectly acceptable, ladies, nay, EXPECTED… for you to wear a bikini, yes, even for regular tasks. I already got it cleared with HR: you are allowed to—no, you SHOULD—wear one to work today. Stopping at the store afterwards? Yup… bikini appropriate. The PTA meeting? Of course… show your spirit! Obviously, you should wear one to Jambraree Days (where you should already KNOW to wear a bikini), and to any other Fourth of July events still carrying on through this weekend. Heck, even if you are going to Friday night Mass… do it in a bikini… as a way to express your deep respect for this most excellent of inventions. I mean, I don’t want to sound like a sexist pig or anything… I’m just sayin’ that it seems like the more bikinis, the better. And, to confirm how totally not sexist this is, it should be noted that while males are not encouraged to bikini-up, we still have the very important task of supporting this event with dutiful ogling. Just sayin’: we’ll do our part.
It’s also Apple Turnover Day. While I do enjoy myself an apple turnover every now and then, I’m sort of at a loss as to why we are celebrating with a national freakin’ day for these lil’ fruit pastries. I am almost certain that no eating establishments are giving them away for free today, and I’m pretty sure that there are no apple turnovers anywhere, at all, that will “swell with pride” at the recognition this day will bring. But it makes me wonder… if the guy who invented national days might be named “Apple”? ‘Cause, if he saw how many silly things are now “celebrated” as national days, and we were to look there, we might see Apple turnover in his grave.
Earthquake in Ridgecrest… not Northridge. However, if I lived in a place called Northridgecrest right now, I’d be very nervous.
News sources yesterday dutifully reported that this earthquake in the desert would NOT produce any tsunamis. Well… I feel better, I guess, but since they specifically mentioned TSUNAMIS, it makes me wonder if, by their own omission, that perhaps this earthquake WILL spawn hurricanes, Ebola, politics, taxes (oh… yep, I can guarantee that one), athletes foot, global warming/cooling/staying-the-same, solar flares, ozone (I can never remember if that is good or bad), increased gang activity, lightning, darkening, emus, halitosis, halitobro, licking-ice-cream-and-putting-it-back-on-the-cooler-shelf, 737 Max problems, racism, racism CLAIMS about the United States flag, locusts, vermin, asteroids, hemorrhoids, androids, steroids, being annoyeds… I guess we should prepare for the worst, as none of those were on the list of things the earthquake will not produce.
Joey Chestnut has yet again reigned supreme, emerging as victor at the annual hot dog eating contest at Nathan’s on Coney Island. You probably knew that, as I cannot imagine anybody missing THAT event yesterday. He was unable to break the current record (held by himself) of 73 (possibly 74… conflicting sources offer different info) dogs downed, but this gorgeous man (because he gorges on hot dogs, okay? Geez.) consumed 71 dogs yesterday, making him the wiener by a long lead. This is the twelthf… twelf… twelt… 12th win by America’s greatest hero… Congrats, Jaws!
This dog is tapped out… gonna tap out now. See y’all on Monday!