I was totally late for work today… I got drunk last night and set my calculator for $4.30.
Roads are totally noteworthyless today. Pffttt. I got nothin’.
Okay, tomorrow is the 4th of July, which, historically, always seems to fall on July 4. Trick question: Do they have the 4th of July in Canada? Well, yes, they do… it’s right in between the 3rd and the 5th.
Also known as Independence Day, this day—here in the United States, in case you were still thinking Canada—commemorates the declaration of independence from British rule, which was made on July 4 of 1776. We declared it, and it happened.
Remember that time on The Office when Michael Scott burst into the room and shouted, “Bankruptcy! BANKRUPTCY!!!” The only-slightly-stunned employees, rather used to Michael’s erratic behavior, asked what the hell he was doing. Of course, he was “declaring bankruptcy,” and naturally, believed that this was how it was done. Which was true, in a certain Michael Scott sort of way. What a show… The Office is great.
So, anyhow… tomorrow is a BIG DAY: Not ONLY is it Independence Day, but it’s also the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest on Coney Island!
Allow me to self-indulge by relating my own history with eating contests. There was a time, back when I was skinny and young, when I was able to consume freakishly vast quantities of food. Many times, I “earned” free food in high school, by making wagers with friends against how much food I could eat: If I ate it all, others paid for it… if I failed, everybody’s lunch was on me. I never once lost, astonishing many who were unable to grasp how a stork-leg like me could pass that much stuff through my pie-hole and install it inside of me. Speaking of pie-holes, I once took second place in a pie eating contest… they even let me keep the prize (I think it was a horseshoe game set or something…) in spite of my violent and copious side-of-the-“winner’s”-stage hurling.
But my finest day was during a lunch break from work. A friend and I went to Taco Bell, where I stuffed myself. (No person has ever, ever said, ever, “Geez… Kdog really displays great discipline and restraint at Taco Bell!” Ever. I’m not that strong of a man. But I do have guts. Well, one… singular. A huge one.) Then I noticed that my friend had not eaten any of her food… she just wasn’t hungry. Feeling a moral obligation, I volunteered to eat all of her food… and she agreed to my generous offer. Soon I was ready to burst, not only with joy from free (somehow, I felt no moral obligation to financially compensate my friend) Taco Bell food, but from waaaaay overstuffing my stomach. However, as we returned to the workplace, we noticed a small county fair event just getting underway: A watermelon eating contest! Again, I felt a moral obligation, and had to participate. Moments later, after consuming 4 -1/2 pounds—documented—of watermelon, I took my first-place ribbon and returned to work.
Those glorious days are over… instead of being able to pack it IN, I now eat only a fraction of that, and only pack it ON, instead. Sadly, I did not stick with the game long enough to even get any groupies.
Which reminds me… I recently took a fishing boat expedition. There was a group of ladies on board who had gotten a bulk discount on tickets, as they were huge fans of some particular variety of huge sea fish. This was a grouper groupie GroupOn group on board.
So, back to eating: Nathan’s annual contest is amazing… many, nay MOST of the contestants are NOT obese, giant, cornfed hulks… many, in fact are what would be considered tiny, but the amount of food they are able to consume is staggering. Not just to them, but to all of us observers, too. In fact, most competitive eaters are quite remarkably fit, as many have discovered that having a high metabolism and solid muscle are highly advantageous. Many fast before AND after a contest (in which they eat fast!), in order to keep their weight and fitness levels optimized. Even when 22,000 calories are tossed down the ol’ gullet in ten minutes, within a few days, most of the eaters will be back to a normal diet, and back to the regular belt hole.
Just for the record, the hot dogs that Nathan makes ’em eat are not the lil’ adorable “regular” ones from the store… these here dang ol’ Nathan’s ones are big ol’ BUN LENGTH ones… extra inches, extra calories, extra volume. I even find them intimidating… take that any way you’d like to.
The current reigning WORLD champ is Joey Chestnut, one of our very own California boys. He’s worn the crown—sorry, the MUSTARD BELT—ELEVEN times. His record regarding hot dogs (he’s a competitive eater of many things, holding more than 40 records for consuming bind-boggling volumes of various edible things), one that he hopes to break tomorrow, is SEVENTY-THREE FREAKIN’ HOT DOGS—that’s wiener AND bun—in 10 minutes (the regulation contest used to be 12 minutes… it is currently just 10)! That’s 7.4 dogs per minute… about 8 seconds per dog!
If you laid all of the hot dogs he’s eaten end to end, they would circle the planet seven times. Okay, that might not be totally accurate, but you get the point. I still think maybe six times. Or around a big room, anyhow.
He’ll have competition… he’s been beaten before by Takeru Kobayashi, the little Japanese dude who became famous by reigning supreme multiple times on Nathan’s stage. Matt Stonie—another Californian—has beaten him, too, on occasion. Even Sonja Thomas, a petite, Korean-born American woman in her 50’s has put down 46 dogs in a sitting. She’s not likely to beat Joey, but the fact that she can out-eat MEN that are five to six times her size makes her a very fun competitor to watch.
Oh, I tried a couple of years ago, in a privately held mock contest, to see how I might fare if attempting to participate in Nathan’s contest: Under the 12-minute clock (the regulation time then), it took everything I had to put ten hot dogs down. Ten. Ol’ Joey will likely have that many gone in his first MINUTE.
So, what we’ve got here… is… failure… to communicate. Okay, I don’t think we really do. I just wanted to quote “Cool Hand Luke,” the movie where it’s claimed that NOBODY can eat 50 hard-boiled eggs… in an hour. While Paul Newman’s character DID do so in the movie, it is also of note that in an interview long after shooting, Paul said that in that scene, he’s pretty certain that he did not ACTUALLY consume even ONE single egg… he called it the “miracle of editing.” Anyhow… Joey Chestnut holds the record in that department: he once consumed 141 hard-boiled eggs… in EIGHT minutes! Sure… that IS pretty cool, but can you imagine being near that guy over the next couple of days? You couldn’t ride in a car with him… surely he would not be able to fly anywhere, and any confined space might even pose a death risk to the man himself! I don’t know if he’s a smoker or not, but no matter what, it would be dangerous for ANYBODY to smoke within 50 feet or so of him… he’d have to wear a warning sign! Whatever… he’s the champ, and while I may never be a contender in this, the only TRUE sport that I really follow, I’ll be rooting for Joey Chestnut tomorrow.
Be cool, be handy, and remember, Luke…. I am your father. Have a great Fourth of July, my fellow Americans!