This report brought to you by Sky Forest Inn Event and Retreat Center
Good morning… it’s Monday. I’m glad for that, as I’m wiped out from the weekend. NOW I can catch up on some much-needed rest.
Roads be benign, says mine report. Weather is not a factor, other than being dry, moderately temperate (wait: that’s redundant… AND it says the same thing twice…), and sort of like early summer. There’s no wind, making the drive a breeze. Oh, sure, we’ve got the every-freakin’-day-now, low-cloud marine layer near the very bottom of the hill, but it’s only effect is giving all of the chumps here on the flat parts the idea that there is no sunshine. That layer doesn’t give any of the fog-effect visibility de-enhancements that it sometimes does… it’s clear visibility as far as the roadway is concerned.
So, last Friday, Mrs. Kdog and I found reason to hit the road for an impromptu trip to Vegas. Now, we do this often, but rarely spend the night there (generally, we just do single-day turnarounds), and we avoid driving TO Vegas on Friday afternoons like as if it were the 10-hour plague, ‘cause, often it IS during that time slot. However, we got away earlier in the day in an effort to beat the traffic. While we still encountered a large volume of traffic, which came to a complete stop a number of times during the trek across the desert, there were still times that I was able to compensate for the stops and utilize the “average speed” loophole law… you know the one, where if the speed limit is 70 MPH but I have to inexplicably stop at times, allows me to go 140 MPH for a similar amount of time later on, in order to bring my average speed back to 70 MPH? I’m not totally 100% sure that this is a thing, but there’s a pretty high likelihood that I’ll eventually have the opportunity to discuss it with a cop.
As I mentioned, we rarely spend the night in Vegas, but, this time we did. However, being a last-minute reservation, Kdog did not do due diligence… and our room was doo doo. I am not making this up: the “check-in desk” is located in a nearby liquor store… check-ins are done between transactions for Mad Dog 20/20 and 30-packs of Natty Ice, generally paid for entirely in coins.
I checked in and was given a few instructions, including the “check-out” procedures to be made the next day (‘cause, see, there would not be anybody around… they don’t come until until “later in the day”). Anyhow, I was to locate an old strip of carpeting that was tacked to the wall outside, after the lifting of which, I would see a hole in the wall through which to drop my key. Not that this detail has any bearing on my tale… just mentioning this as an example of how classy this joint was.
The door of our room had no knob… somebody HAD gotten a cabinet handle (two-pack at Home Depot, $1.19, screws included) and screwed it onto the door, although apparently attaching it STRAIGHT would have taken too much time and effort. The lock mechanism was ONE generation newer than skeleton key. Really. ONE.
I parked in front of the door and almost slipped on a banana peel. No, wait… that wasn’t a banana peel, Magnum, P. I…. it was a… condominium? Whatever… we entered the room, and the FIRST object in the room to catch our eye—which might as well have been a three ton electric neon elephant—was a cockroach. It had even extended the courtesy of striking the classic “on-the-back” pose of, “just-wandered-in-and-croaked-on-your-floor, cheapass.”
Mrs. Kdog was SUPER-jazzed about my taste in rooms. I think her jazzed-ness was also partially because our VIEW was that of the shiny gold exterior of the Mandalay Bay Resort. I guess she probably felt a connection, since we were so very close to all of that luxury… the “room service,” and “secure doors,” and “cleanliness,” and “probably no roaches.” It was so nice to be able to look up and see the place where thousands of other folks were staying. So, shoot, it was like we were practically there, right?
After we got to the room, we spent some time in “training,” where Mrs. Kdog introduced me to something called “Yelp,” and where she explained the star-system I had followed. She showed me that while I had gone so far as to pick a five-star hotel, it turns out that this was on a 100-star system, so, well, math ‘n’ stuff. Whatever.
However, we survived the night. We’ll find out in the next few weeks, I’m sure, if we brought home bed bugs, or rashes, or exotic illnesses. (At least we weren’t drinking from the mini-bar in the Dominican Republic, right?!?) Because, apparently, not everything that happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, so we can only wait to see what our souvenirs might be.
We returned home, and yesterday, I got to spend the day hugging a toilet. No, not THAT way… I wasn’t hurling. No, see, in my house—which includes multiple females—my toilet broke. Oh, ha! Wait… that’s not quite correct… I meant to say that BOTH of my toilets broke, simulfreakintaneously!!!
I mention female occupancy here, because it turns out, they require special accommodations. Me, I’m just a dude… the world is my urinal!
So, I ended up trying to fix at least one at breakneck speed, then began work on the second. This plan was a success, until it was determined that the first fix wasn’t quite complete, so I had to abandon work on #2 (see what I did there?!?), and go back to #1. Oh, and we’re not talking about jiggling the handle, or even using the plunger… I’m talking about fully removing the toilet from its long-term parking, disassembling the thing, and replacing parts. Of course, anybody who has ever done ANY type of plumbing knows that there’s no such thing as “the” trip to the hardware store: there’s trip #1, trip #2, trip #3… and so forth. I am very, very, very, VERY glad that Lake Drive Hardware is close, and is very well stocked with everything I needed for yesterday’s projects.
Eventually… both toilets were fixed. Now, I did not spend a lot of money (Lake Drive Hardware is, incidentally, very reasonably priced), but did spend most of the day hugging ancient urine stains and using up rolls of paper towels in the need to wipe even MORE black, rotten, slimy stuff, like sewer bacteria, wax seals, old mold, water of all levels of grey, and so forth. But, the magnificent result for all of that work is that now… NOW, we are… back to where we were the day before, with no broken toilets. Ahhh, satisfaction. Riiiiiight.
At least our domestic a-commode-ations do not include cockroaches, not-banana-peel hazards, and we do have a doorknob on the entrance to our home. I’m calling this place a solid eighteen stars… out of seventeen! I gotta yelp this loud and clear!