Good morning, commuters… the fog has faded, and the rain retreated. We’ve got clear skies today, even if the humidity hangs high enough to give your windows a haze first thing. No biggie, the wipers will clear that up, and from there, nothing else should bother you. Wind, rocks, cathedrals ablaze, ice, snow… none of those things are present in any bothersome capacity.
I went to Stater’s the other day… all I wanted was a box of Triscuits, that delicious little cracker. What I found was a Triscuit SECTION… a towering and wide wall of varieties of this simple staple, none of which I wanted. There was low fat, and there was reduced fat… there were Triscuits flavored with basil and tomato, and cheese flavored ones (with at least four different cheese flavors, because sometimes you want SHARP cheddar cheese flavored sea-salt low-fat gluten-free homestyle baked Triscuits, and NOT any of the stupid JACK cheese flavored sea-salt low-fat gluten-free homestyle baked Triscuits, and not even the MEDIUM cheddar cheese flavored sea-salt low-fat gluten-free homestyle baked Triscuits will do… so they get pretty specific). There were roasted tomato Triscuits, and roasted garlic ones. Rosemary and olive oil were there, along with dill, sea salt and olive oil. Sea salt shows up here and there, while other boxes only have a “hint of salt.” Garden herb, rye with carroway seeds, and cracked pepper all made the covers of their own boxes. Basil was there, too, I’m just sure of it, as were Auntie Em and Uncle Henry, and Toto, and…
But then I saw that Triscuits also come in other families or genera of this once-simple wafer… “Thin Crisps” and “Brown Rice” varieties of Triscuits each have a plethora of sub-flavors and varieties, too! In fact, the thin types even have one called—warning to the squeamish, it might cause the gorge to rise—“sweet potatoes and sea salt!” Whaaaaaaaaat? Fer reals?!? Yup… along with roasted sweet onion, wasabi and soy sauce, sour cream and chive… even cinnamon sugar. (Wait: shouldn’t that technically be a damn cookie? What is going on here?!?)
That’s not even all of them! I’m limited by space and time… plus, I have a theory that Triscuit gang members are inventing and cranking new varieties so fast that it might just be impossible to report the new flavors at a rate high enough to actually gain on the perpetually growing list’s end.
Guess what I could NOT find? Of course… the one and only box that I actually WANTED… the plain ol’, reg’lar, salted, not flavored, justadamntriscuit Triscuit! Couldn’t find it! I don’t even know if they still make it. Maybe I’ll go prowl some antique stores… maybe I can find ’em there.
Oh, and if you think that maybe this ISN’T a crisis? Go look for yourself, and then try to find the original Triscuit… or Cheez-it… or Wheat Thin! They’ve all gone the way of having so many sub-sub-sub species that the origin has been lost. What a bummer. I liked Triscuits…. And Cheez-Its… and Wheat Thins. Next thing you know, they’ll be making saltine crackers with no salt. Maybe they can remove the salt (AND the sodium!), the fat, the carbs, the gluten, the preservatives, the GMO parts, the saturated fat, the processed white flour, the niacin, the yeast, the sugar… and then we’ll see if people will pay money for a box of air, which is WAY healthier and better than the old crackers.
I read a while back about a survey done to evaluate peoples’ satisfaction levels. It was a simple survey type thing, but was quite revealing.
Groups of people were offered ice cream… different flavors were offered to the participants, and folks could choose the flavor they wanted.
Group A was offered the choice of vanilla, chocolate, or strawberry. The participants chose, and as they consumed their ‘scream, they rated their satisfaction levels.
Group B was offered FAR more choices… perhaps as many as 31 choices… I don’t recall the exact number, but there were a LOT of choices. They chose, then rated their satisfaction levels.
As it turned out, the people from Group A, who had been given only THREE choices, displayed substantially greater satisfaction levels than the group that could choose just about any taste imaginable. Why? Because people tend to second-guess their OWN selections… with fewer choices, people tend to be more certain that they chose “correctly.” The guy who chose vanilla did so because he knows that chocolate is not something he likes, and strawberry gives him hives… therefore, he KNOWS he made the right choice… he’s 100% certain that he chose the very best option. On the other hand, the folks who had numerous choices were left wondering if any of the MANY other flavors MIGHT have been a slightly better choice… and the uncertainty leads to lowered satisfaction levels.
Even television is similar to that now… when I was a kid, there were only a few channels to choose from, and there was NO QUESTION WHATSOEVER, during certain time slots, whether the TV should be turned to “some crap,” or to “The A-Team,” “CHiPs,” “Emergency!” “Adam-12,” “The Greatest American Hero,” “Mork and Mindy,” “The Dukes of Hazzard,” or “Starsky and Hutch.” During those airings, there was nothing else that even tempted the notion of switching the channel. (Which, incidentally, entailed walking all the way TO the TV, and using an entire hand to manually rotate a big, clunky dial-thing, which was notched to land approximately in a place that would “tune in” a broadcast signal, but often required further fine tuning in the form of knob manipulation, antenna re-direction, wiggling thingies on the back of the TV, holding one’s mouth just so, or even standing in one part of the room. We had it rough, kids… the frontier lifestyle of 1980 was NOT easy.)
Today, though, there are hundreds of channels to choose from. Without even considering the streaming services, one must choose from HUNDREDS of options. Now, you have to ask yourself… do I feel lucky? Did I choose the RIGHT thing to watch… did I surf the programming guide thoroughly enough? Or, am I missing something better—a lot better, or even just a tiny little bit better—than what I’ve settled on?
Well, don’t let the choices overwhelm you. Choose one, and be confident that you picked the best cracker micro-specie, the best ice cream flavor, or one of the ten best documentaries about the emerging bird-watching trends among south-east Pennsylvania’s top single-amputee knitting club members who play cricket on astro-turf. Be confident that you have chosen correctly… probably.