Today is Tuesday, trail trekkers and titans of travel… roads are snow-free, rock-free, rain-free, and pothole-free. Wait, whaaaa…WhhhhhaaaaaAAATTTT?!? Well, not entirely pothole-free, but yesterday, many of the chasms, canyons, valleys, caverns, depressions and cavities in the Crestline area were filled. Of course, many had already been partially filled with the rusting hulks of vehicles that had fallen in previously, and could not be recovered, but now that the crashed cars were nearing the top of the hole, asphalt repair material was added to give it more of a “finished” look. Now, it hasn’t been sanded down yet, so it’s still a little rough, but… the risks of a wheel being ripped off, or a jar that would make Mason blush, are greatly reduced. Rumor has it that local dentists are dismayed at this new development.
So, last week some guy on the news claimed to be an escaped kidnap victim. He claimed that he was Timmothy Pitzen, who disappeared in 2011, at age 6. Media sources went wild, speculating about the rescue of this long-missing child. I did some quick math… let’s see… multiply the binary exponent… carry the one… round the divisiplier… apply the Pythagorean theorem… oh, hell, just use a freakin’ calculator… that would make him about 14 years old now. Only, this person who falsely claimed to be Pitzen doesn’t look anywhere near 14. He’s got a serious five o’clock shadow, a receding hairline… and while it turns out this guy is only 23 years old, he looks even older than 23. I just don’t get why anybody even briefly entertained the idea that this clown was Pitzen. As we know now, DNA testing has proven that he’s absolutely NOT Pitzen, and is instead a recently paroled felon. At least he had fun getting on TV, I guess.
So, the lesbian couple with the six adopted children, all of whom ended up dead at the bottom of a seaside cliff in Mendocino County last year: the determination has been made that this was a murder-suicide… done on purpose. I think that we pretty much already knew that, but, one of the things I continue to hear being cited as evidence for this theory is that “there were no skid marks” leading up to the cliff’s edge.
Now, one industry I have worked in is transportation… and, over the years, I’ve been involved in accident investigation. While I’m no master or expert in the field, I still know a few things. I don’t get why the absence of skidmarks is cited, given that most cars (including the GMC Yukon that they were in) will not LEAVE skidmarks, under any braking condition, other than going sideways. Not even on dirt or gravel: anti-lock brakes PREVENT any type of skidding, on ANY surface. Now, you still see skidmarks on roads at times: this is from vehicles sliding sideways, from older cars (pre-ABS era cars), from the FEW newer cars not equipped with anti-lock brakes, or in rare conditions, from malfunctioning brakes. However, nearly all cars manufactured since the 90’s are equipped with anti-lock brakes. The absence of skid marks is NOT evidence that braking did not occur. I don’t get why this keeps being cited, as it’s not evidence of anything at all.
I was standing in line at Autozone a couple of days ago. Their sound system was playing music, until a commercial came on… for O-Reilly Auto Parts. I’m telling you, it was tempting to leave my place in line, and let them know that O’Reilly seems like a better deal.
I continue to see warnings online about a scam in which carjackers place a $100 bill under your windshield wiper blade while you are shopping at the mall or the grocery store. The idea is that when you return to your vehicle, you’ll get into your car, start to drive away, and THEN notice the bill. You step out of your vehicle, and then carjackers take your car.
I can’t believe this one is still going around! For one… it has never happened. Ever. At all. No police reports, no personal reports… it’s never happened. Plus… why WOULD it? A thief isn’t going to invest $100 in a thing that PROBABLY won’t work anyhow… chances are, you’d notice the bill BEFORE you got into the car… or before you start the car… or, maybe not until you are three miles down the road. In any of those circumstances, the carjacker loses $100… and is kicking himself for not using a $5 bill, which would yield EXACTLY the same results, at only 5% of the financial risk! Or… leave some note, at 0% of the financial risk.
And… why risk even $5? If a carjacker wants your car, why not just carjack you the traditional way? Maybe take your keys while you put your groceries in the car, or as you enter the vehicle. Why the scripted scenario of you driving—possibly away!—before he jacks your car?
The whole damn urban legend makes no sense whatsoever… and, really, MOST urban legends fall apart under the scrutiny of thought, logic, reason, and facts. Why this particular one is still making the rounds on the ‘net is beyond me. Oh, wait: it’s the ‘net.
Okay… that’s all I’ve got for you…. You’ll have to wait all the way until Wednesday morning for more pearls of wisdom and entertainment to appear in this column. In the meantime, if you DO find a $100 bill on your windshield, drive away, and don’t pull over to retrieve it until you see that the group of thugs running along behind you has gotten winded and fallen out of the run.