Good morning… welcome to the very first Thursday of 2019. There’s not a lot to report regarding road conditions, unless non-conditions are listed individually: no snow, no ice (even if this morning was the coldest we’ve had since last year—according to my thermometer—it is very dry out there), no wind, no rain, no lane closures, no fog, no rocks, no crazed and drunken rhinos attacking children, no albino rhinos… no rhinos drinking pinot. But why no wino rhinos? Of course: THAT rhino drank pruno, you know.
Okay, that lil’ bit there was unfair to the rhino that has been blamed for injuring a child at the zoo in Ohio the other day. In fact, in my quest to go all rhyme-time, the implication that the rhinoceros was sloshed on the sauce was just a josh awash with false panache. However, (A) I needed some premise to go off on a rhyming tangent (plus, it has at least opened the door to future discussions of “Pruno,” which is a fun topic for another day!), (B) rhinos do not read well (notoriously poor eyesight), so I am nearly 100% certain that the unfairly-spoken-of beast will never even get its feelings hurt over it, and (C) rhinos have very thick skin, so even if the rhino DID read it, it would give no hoots. But, really… why the headlines imply a, “rhino attack,” really is a strange thing… it appears that the kiddo in question just sort of fell through the slats of the rhino enclosure, just barely even inside the rhino’s area, while the rhinos simply continued grazing and lazing… and PROBABLY did not even notice the tyke. Besides… they’re freakin’ vegetarians… like, extremely vegetarian, not even like cheese or fish or pork. Statistically, they eat fewer people than people do. So, give the rhino a break here… where the hell were the parents (of the kid, not the rhino)?!?
Now, before I space out and forget to tell THIS important news, you must know: today is, “National Drinking Straw Day.” Back in the 80’s, we’d say this was “tubular!” However, now all we can say is that the use of straws sort of sucks. However, today, here in California, we can celebrate in remembrance of our diligent California politicians, who have worked tirelessly to make sure that if your server in a restaurant gives you a straw that you did not specifically ask for, that the filthy dirtbag can be prosecuted. Our politicians have made—and apparently proven—the point that when a server makes it convenient for a customer, well, that server/criminal should be taught a lesson, through the means of fines and/or incarceration… besides, servers have way too much money and time anyhow, so our hard-working legislators have really provided a great service to all. If your server ponies up a straw for you today, be sure to call 9-1-1 (or, better yet, call ICE, since another goal of CA politicians is to put those guys out of work), so we can rid this place of horrible crimes. Oh, and in unrelated news, don’t forget that CA continues to decriminalize many types of assault, rape, and theft, so that the folks who commit THOSE harmless lil’ hijinks don’t have to experience the discomfort and inconvenience of fines or incarceration, because it’s just not fair to them. Punch an incapacitated elderly person in the face: no jail for you. Place a drinking straw on my table: it’s time to pay the piper! So sayeth the CA politician!
I hope you aren’t burned out on the science stuff. Sure, a few recent columns have been devoted to some space stuff in particular, but I’ve got to give you just ONE more… because I learned some new stuff that is pretty amazing.
So, New Horizons, the speedy space probe, has completed its fly-by of tiny planet-like thingie Ultima Thule, which I have now learned is just one of the Tranformers. This one happens to transform into a rocky metallic blob, and remains incognito that way for very long periods of time.
Incidentally, that fly-by “exploration” of UT wasn’t a time-consuming event… since the space probe was moving at 32,000 miles per hour, and the micro-planet is only about 10 miles by 20 miles in size, snapshots had to be taken quickly… no do-overs, either, as the hurtling equipment can’t change course. I sure hope Ulty didn’t blink, because there were only a few seconds to get any of the good shots. The probe passed within 2,200 miles of the rock… but in only five minutes, that distance more than doubled, as the space probe went on past.
But see, in a column a few days ago, I gushed like a schoolgirl about the speed of the New Horizons space probe, regarding how freakin’ fast the thing is: 32,000 MPH… 9 miles per second! My younger, naïve self was SO impressed by that! But, it turns out, that was child’s play, and my gushing therefore, sophomoronic. See, there are other space probes out there that are much faster than pokey ol’ New Horizons (which now seems “quick” like a Plymouth Horizon was…). Like the Helios-B space exploration vehicle, which, in 1976, achieved a speed of 160,000 MPH… no big whoop, 48 miles per second. That’d make Sammy Hagar proud. …I’ll bet he can’t even drive 48.
Buuuuut… now a new contender for the belt has stepped into the ring: the Parker Solar Probe, launched a few months ago, will reach 430,000 MPH at one point during its journey around the sun (this top speed record hasn’t happened yet: more on that later). That works out to 120 miles per second. Now we’re cooking with Crisco… no, we’re freebasing with meth! Let’s see… here to New York: 20 seconds. Around the entire planet: No big, just 17 times every hour. Time to get from Goodwin’s across the street to 7-11: still about five minutes, because that traffic just keeps coming and coming and coming and geeeeezzz… shoulda taken the OTHER parking lot exit.
The Parker Probe also weighs more than the “grand piano” thing we discussed the other day. THIS one weighs in currently at 1,334 pounds. (Note: NASA reports that this happens to weigh EXACTLY the same as 1,334 pounds of goose down!) So, it’s WAY faster, WAY bigger, and if that thing rear-ended you at a red light, you would totally have a big insurance claim. Plus, I’m sure that NASA has insurance, perhaps Mercury Insurance… or Mutual of Orbital. Although, it might just be Universal Life.
So, right NOW the Parker Space Probe is just sort of moseying along at 60 miles per second (and is probably gathering moss). Over the next few years (yes, years: it might be fast, but it takes its own sweet time to get there), its speed will vary, and at times will increase significantly, due to NASA people figuring out how to slingshot the thing around heavenly objects. Its top speed (the 430,000 MPH/120 MPS thing) will happen in the year 2025, as this thing slingshots around the sun.
Meanwhile, here on Earth, my own inertial destiny for later this afternoon is assured as a 35 MPH sojourn up Highway 18, behind the Prius and the CRV, each engaged in a fierce battle for last. Side by side, they’ll shuffle gears and utilize the brakes for every uphill turn, valiantly remaining side by side at all times. “Passing lane” is a term that these mouth-breathers have never heard, nor could ever grasp the concept of… passing was something they quit doing around the time third grade got really hard. And, I’ll be trapped behind them, at a speed that would theoretically get me around the entire planet in… about a month, as long as I never stop, not even for red lights or oceans or war zones or peeing or food or gas or gasoline. In THAT same amount of time, the Parker Space Probe could have circled the planet… over 12,000 times.
For my own sanity, I’ve gotta stop making those comparisons… but, if your simpleton neighbor tells you that after the 90-minute journey from 40th Street to Top Town, some lunatic pulled alongside of him ranting about 12,000 orbits and the NASA Space Probes, well, now you’ll know why.