Good morning, commuters. Roads are a breeze today… well, there IS NO breeze, but the roads themselves, they are a breeze to navigate. You may need to scrape the frost off of your windshield before you roll, as temps are in the freezing range, but roads are mostly dry. With the exception of some side streets with a few dark patches of moisture, the dry roads are gripply, even if temps are nipply. Rocks, wind, fog and snow are as relevant to the drive as are tapioca, dental work, leather socks, or ingrown toenails.
Let’s randomly go all legal today… don’t judge me, as it may be plaintiff see that my puns are not so honorable. Perhaps it’ll be a testify can succeed… if all rise to the occasion, or if file simply be seated and proceed to swear. If you find the puns appealing, alibi you a shot of Status Quo Rum… (I’ll press charges on the company credit card, they’ll just docket from my pay-roll-ee). I’ll trial day long… because acquitter never wins and a winner never bails (okay, I MIGHT bailiff summons really upset and threatening to due process and say that I am libel for damages).
I recently discovered a word that has, “no precise definition”! The word is, “esquire,” and while it’s got some commonly accepted definitions, those are NOT set in stone, nor are they precise in any way. Typically, “esquire” is used as a suffix to the names of lawyers (both male and female), or to that of English gentlemen of high status, but under the class of “knight.” (Once they reach, “knight” they are then called, “Ted.”) However… “esquire” is totally up for grabs… you can use it as part of your own name and title if you like! I don’t even think it needs to be said… clearly, from this point forward, I shall be, “Kdog, Esq.” I wonder if anybody has notified Billy Squire of the fun he could have using that suffix.
I recently wanted to utilize the services of a lawyer. I called one up and asked him how much he would charge.
The lawyer told me, “I’ll answer three questions for $1,000.”
I said, “Holy smokes… isn’t that a little steep?”
He replied, “Sure… and what’s your third question?”
This explains the difference between a herd of buffalo… and a lawyer. See, the lawyer charges more…
And, I did get a good deal the other day. At the flea market, I got five for a dollar… it was a flea bargain.
My friend became a lawyer (okay, technically not, but since he spent a lot of time drinking, he was accepted as a member of the bar, so he calls himself, “esquire…” The nerve of that guy.) Anyhow, he wasn’t sure how to dress like a barrister. As it turns out, it’s quite simple: they wear lawsuits. Oh, but underneath them? Legal briefs, of course.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? Well, see ONE is a blood-sucking parasite, while the other is a flying insect.
Okay now… I know that not all lawyers are bad. In fact, do you know what the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyers is? A bad lawyer can make a lawsuit drag out for years… while a good lawyer, even longer.
Sorry, it seems that we naturally sort of gravitated towards lawyer jokes… it was just sort a rabbit hole we could not avoid. And, my friends, that hole is DEEEEEEEP…. Say, do you know why they bury dead lawyers 40 feet under the surface? Because, deep down, they are really nice people.
Disclaimer: The views expressed in this column do not represent the views of MountainReporter.com, or anybody even remotely associated with the site. Even the writer, Kdog, Esq., totally and vehemently disagrees with all comments that could be considered slanderous, and thinks that lawyers are actually such good people that none would ever in a million years even CONSIDER suing him for besmirchment or slander or misrepresentation or anything. The subjects referred to in this column are entirely fictional. Any similarity to actual persons (OR lawyers) is purely coincidental, and should simply be shrugged off, in lieu of even considering the notion of legal action.
I saw a story this morning on the ‘net about some criminal who was tried in Absentia… where is this place? Apparently the COPS couldn’t find the guy, but he WAS tried in Absentia. Now see, not that I’m a rat or anything, but I think I’ll tip the cops off regarding his location. Perhaps there’s even a reward. Heck, if this pans out, I’ll take a look around and see if anybody else of potential reward-value is in Absentia.