Good morning, Wednesday Wild Ones! There’s a chill in the air, but the roads are “chill,” as those derned kids these days say… that means there’s nothing to worry about, with the very most important driving details being exactly what temp to set the heater to, or what to listen to on the radio. There’s no rain, wind, fog, rocks, snow or ice to contend with, and that guy from yesterday morning who had the flat tire is gone.
It should be noted, though, that this morning’s journey took me to Rancho Cucamonga… and it’s raining here. It’s very wet. From what I understand, the storm over Rancho Kook is headed east, young man, and in case you don’t know your NEWS (North East West South) that means that our mountains are likely to get wet. It might not LOOK like it right now: but don’t knock it, don’t mock it; rain is on the docket.
The Christmas Season is officially here, but… we’ve recently learned that there’s “backlash” to Christmas songs, like (oops… pardon my political obtusion in using the controversial word, “Christmas…” I forget that it offends some. No, wait, I didn’t forget… I didn’t care, is what I meant!), “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” There’s backlash, clapping back, and outrage… the Internet people have expressed yet another troubling and deep displeasure, as they’ve revealed yet another thing that is horrible, that we never realized was horrible until they told us. See, the #MeToo movement, on high alert at all times, has just announced that they find the lyrics to this song offensive. Apparently, the guy in the song is trying to talk the girl out of leaving the house. Then he ties her up, and slips a roofie into her drink. No, wait, he doesn’t do that… but he DOES try to provide reasons why she should not leave the house, so, this song has now been ruled: OFFENSIVE!
Of course, “White Christmas” is on the list… that racist Bing Cosby! Wait, Bill Crosby? No, is it Bill something? That still doesn’t seem right. Bill Cosby is the guy who did what they DON’T do in that song, but probably SHOULD have just stuck to words alone. Whatever…. Bing… Bill… Cosby, Stills, and Nash… and Young? And Hagar? Corn on the Cosby? Oh, the names… whatever. “White Christmas” is SO not diverse enough for the Internet people.
“Jingle Bells”? Come on… this one is pretty bad. How many inner city children, the poor in particular, will get to ride in a one-horse sleigh, and dash through the snow? Very few! Heck, the closest I have ever come to that is a bashing through the snow on a one-box cardboard sled. It’s exclusionary, catering only to the filthy rich (and by “filthy rich,” obviously, we mean that they are filthy BECAUSE they are rich. Duh.).
And, please, “We wish you a merry Christmas, and a HAPPY NEW YEAR”?!? What about all of the cultures whose calendars do NOT celebrate a new year at this time? The Chinese, the Mayans (who notably completely ran out of “new years” in 2012), that one tribe on the island where they killed that guy a few weeks ago? How exclusionary this song must seem… really, just a mantra of pompous and exclusionary hate, of course, so it should also be stricken from the playlist.
“We Three Kings…” of ORIENT? Sweet mother of Joseph and Mary! I’m pretty sure we can’t say that, even if I regularly eat something called Ramen noodles with ORIENTAL seasoning. Maybe I need to prove my cultural sensitivity and awareness and stop eating that curly, hateful noodle-food.
How ‘bout, “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer”? Bullying? Yep… bullying. The other reindeer were pretty awful to poor Rudolph. I don’t care what the context, bullying has no part in our playlist. Banished!
Oh, dang… it gets bad once we really begin to examine this whole evil conspiracy, designed over thousands of years to incite such hatred…. How about, “Deck the Halls”? ‘Cause, at one point, the idea is to “don… our gay apparel”! Holy crap! What?!? Does “gay” have a “look”?!? Of course not… the song is clearly designed to promote homophobia and stereotyping!
And the hateful words of “Feliz Navidad”! Why, those words are not to be uttered by any other than those of the correct color, heritage, geographical location, and culture. Utterance by any others is theft… CULTURAL APPROPRIATION! HOLA! (Oops, I mean, “Hello”!!!)
Okay… “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” Finally, a song that’s okay! Mom is clearly “open-minded,” and not bound by the constraints of traditional marriage/prison. Wait, what’s that you say? Santa Claus IS Dad? So she ISN’T stepping out and proving her ability to be free? Dang it. It is still about the oppression of women after all. Strike it from the record, too.
Oh, and “Santa Claus is Coming to Town…” At least it’s not CREEPY that he watches you, even while you are sleeping… nope, not creepy at all. However… he is so divisive! He’s making a list, and the kids who are naughty are NOT getting things that the nice kids get. Not fair! Totally not fair! Even if a kid is flat out evil, and even brutally murders all of the good kids, that kid should still be rewarded JUST as much as the good kids, because, hey, he might have TRIED to be good, but just couldn’t (or didn’t feel like it). Anyhow, Santa’s divisive methods and veritably exclusionary disciplinary style are just proof that Santa is filled with nothing other than seething hatred for children.
Well, I think we’ve covered most of the once-popular Christmas songs. But, what about the other traditions of the season? How about the tree holocaust… cutting those things off at the knees to die a slow death in your living room? (Sure… there are “live” trees, with the idea being that after Christmas the tree can simply be planted in the yard… but not a single one of those trees has ever survived at all ever ever ever in the history of “living Christmas trees” ever. Nope. They are all just as dead as the “premeditatedly murdered trees!” ) And “gifts”? How materialistic, and consumerist, and traditional! Oh, and the turkeys that are slaughtered, the hams that are hocked? Even the ears of corn ripped from their husks, and the potatoes violently mashed… so tragic. The booze consumed, the smoke created by fireplaces, and the fossil fuels being burned just to drive over the river and through the woods just to see if the elderly will give us stuff?!?
Now that we’ve been TOLD that everything about Christmas, including once-happy songs, once-jolly tales, and once-festive traditions, is dark, evil, wrong, offensive and oppressive… the good news is that as rational beings (which, incidentally, is exactly opposite of “the Internet people”), each of us can still decide for ourselves what is acceptable, good, and NOT part of some vast conspiracy to oppress and destroy. As a human being, YOU can decide… and if, for some reason, you choose to revel in the Christmas Spirit, sing songs of good tidings and great joy, or even go all Paul Bunyan and (gasp!) chop down a tree to put in your house, you can do so! If you like, you can still say, “Merry Christmas,” “Happy Hanukah,” or “Quality Kwanza, brother!” If you choose, you can even celebrate the birth of Jesus… or Charles Manson, or Justin Freakin’ Beiber… it’s your choice! Give gifts… or don’t! Eat, drink (but…. don’t drive afterwards… we ALL draw THAT line), and be merry… if you want to! It’s your choice… your freedom. There are not many greater gifts than the ones we have as human beings, as free citizens of the United States of America: choice, thought, and freedom.
Now, go forth, and have a Merry Christmas Season!