Good morning, people… Friday is here. This drive is the last morning commute that most of us will have to make for another 71 hours or so… and here are the deets: No ice, no snow, no fog, no rain, no rocks, no shirt, no shoes, no service, no problem. It’s an easy-peasy ride.
But, holy smokes: how could I NOT mention some of the news items over the last couple of days?!? Remember that story from about a year ago, the one in which a woman ran out of gas one night… and a homeless, but noble, veteran saw her plight, told her that it just wasn’t safe there… then used his VERY OWN, but only, $20 dollar bill to buy gas for her car?
Next, this woman, SO touched by this homeless guy’s act of generosity, returned to where the guy typically hung out, and gave him money, food, and clothing. Then, she happened to mention the whole thing online… and mentioned, too, that now she just wished that he could have nicer things. And then, generous folks on the Internet decided that they wanted to help out the homeless vet, so a GoFundMe account was started… and before anybody could say “look out for that scam!” there was nearly $400,000 in the account! Now, things did get a LITTLE sketchy there for a while, when the INTENDED recipient—the homeless guy—claimed that the woman and her husband, who were “managing” the money from the GoFundMe account, were not giving him the money. They claimed that they were simply doling it out to him slowly, so he didn’t blow it on blow… but they assured us all that he WOULD be given the money.
Well… well, well, WELL! Now, see, things have gone from a LITTLE sketchy to full-on, 100% beyond sketchy, and all the way into holy-crap-they-ripped-everybody-off! All THREE parties were involved in ripping people off, too… not just the sketchy wife and her husband. See, the ENTIRE story was made up from the beginning… the woman, her husband, and the homeless guy, got together and dreamed up the tale for NO OTHER REASON than to tug at the heartstrings of generous folks everywhere, and see if just MAYBE people would pour boatloads of money into a GoFundMe account. Indeed, pouring commenced with vigor! It was genius, sure… but diabolically wrong.
They are ALL now being prosecuted. And, I hope that their punishment is severe. It’s not just that they tricked $400,000 out of people’s wallets… they have also stolen from all future people who might actually have a legitimate need, story, circumstance, or emergency… because after generous folks get fooled, well, they tend to learn not to be quite as generous in the future.
But hey, at least we have that righteous man, Michael Avenatti, to look up to. I understand that he, who allegedly represents sketchy porn stars, has stated that he will allegedly run for president (because allegedly his own market research has already allegedly proven that he’s pretty much allegedly guaranteed to win… if he wants it!). Oh, but dang it… he just allegedly got arrested for FELONY domestic abuse? Whaaaaaaaaat? I know… innocent until proven guilty. Well, that was the theory at least, until just a couple of years ago, when things got a little, uhh, sketchy, with that philosophy…. Now lots of folks go with “guilty until proven innocent,” or “the seriousness of the charge outweighs the need for evidence,” and other WTFery. But, it allegedly isn’t looking good for the guy. He’s allegedly been caught a number of times, simply allegedly fabricating allegedly wild claims; he allegedly lost some lawsuits in which he allegedly ended up allegedly owing MILLIONS of dollars to those he had allegedly wronged. Even the government is allegedly claiming that Avenatti is allegedly about $5 million behind in taxes… and now allegedly this?
Hey, what’s the difference between a dead lawyer in the road, and a dead skunk in the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Come on! It’s just a joke! Please do not sue me, lawyers…. All statements in this column are for entertainment purposes only, and do not reflect the opinions of this writer, or of this site, or of the staff, or of the Internet, or of any people anywhere, ever, allegedly. Especially the stuff I allegedly said about Avenatti… I totally allegedly didn’t even mean any of that stuff. Plus, I totally know that as long as the word “allegedly” is used frequently, it’s a total “get out of jail free” card…. Can’t touch me. I think. (Sort of like that law where if you ask an undercover cop if he’s really a cop, that he HAS to admit it… one of the secret rules that only really smart people know about!)
In other news, today is National Fast Food Day. So, do something really unusual today and get some fast food! I really don’t think that we, as Americans, consume ENOUGH fast food. McDonald’s, for example, only sells about 75 burgers EVERY SECOND. That’s an average, reflective of burgers sold 24 hours per day, seven days per week… well, you get it… nonstop, 75 burgers per second. Granted, that’s apparently a worldwide total average that takes into account “spikes” when Rosie O’Donnel hits the drive-thru, but still…. And that’s just McDonald’s burgers. It doesn’t count their nuggets, fries (nine million pounds per day, really), shakes or swirlies… or the fact that they sell two billion eggs every year (Man… if I had a nickel for every egg they sold… let’s see… move the decimal… carry the one… I’d have two billion nickels!). Of course, since 69 million people (again, really) are served. By McDonald’s. Every day. …the amount of food sold is going to add up. And that doesn’t even count those same staggering numbers for purchases made at OTHER fast food restaurants.
McDonald’s no longer tracks the number of burgers sold, as their signs once famously touted. Apparently, the labor costs involved in having to add ANOTHER million to the sign every few hours was just becoming a little too much. Anyhow, current estimates are in the 300 to 400 BILLION burgers sold range. Even Carl Sagan would have stuttered and stammered at that figure.
Hey, fabulous fast food fun fact: The name, “Arby’s,” comes from a play on “RB,” representing it’s founders, the Raffel Brothers. They played this up a little more with an ad campaign in the 80’s, by reverse-engineering the name of the restaurant into an acronym: America’s Roast Beef, Yes Sir!
So, celebrate today by getting some fast food. Remember, though, that healthy choices are usually available at fast food joints. In fact… not to boast, but that’s how I do it. I eat healthy when I go to places like that. For example, when I go to McDonald’s, I always get the salad. Of course, I top it with two Quarter Pounders with cheese, a Big Mac, 20 nugs, and a gallon o’ strawberry shake. Not only is it a salad, but I’m pretty sure that all the food groups are allegedly represented there. Here’s to our sketchy health!