Roads hazards are not to be found today, and this reporter has nothing to warn you about. Just stab it and steer.
Please pardon my brevity. See, I may be a little short today… because things are not as they should be in the Kdog household. As you certainly guessed, Mrs. Kdog is being totally unreasonable. This makes us all cranky.
See, I’m in the market for a new car. The yellow Camaro experienced a major breakdown a few days ago… really major. Apparently, a bearing inside the block threw a rod against the lifter which in turn wrapped a timing chain around its knuckles and beat the crap out of the camshaft, while Fetzer Valves and pistons started boring and brawling. Gears and belts and cylinders (from the block) jumped into the fray, and started punching each other in the head. And then the oil got cranky and simply left, exiting along about a one mile stretch of Highway 18. Without oil, the throwdown inside the engine came to a stop, and a number of seizures occurred. The whole entire party happened in about one minute of driving.
Whatever the case… I need a new car.
And, as it turns out, what I need is a Dodge Challenger Hellcat. For those unfamiliar, the Challenger Hellcat is Dodge’s finest, fastest, meanest, wildest Challenger… it’ll do 200 MPH, and will get there pretty quickly. Sure, it guzzles gasoline like a frat boy with a beer bong, but… 200 MPH… and this simply must be.
So, I went to the bank the other day, and got a pre- approval… for a modest loan. Only, it’s a little short of the pricetag for this Hellcat (Note: I have already picked out the vanity plate for my YELLOW Hellcat: “YELLCAT.”). I’ll need to scrounge up another $50,000 or so on top of my pre- approved loan.
No biggie: First, I can take cash advances on all of my credit cards: Between the 12 of them, I can get nearly $300 (Okay, so the credit is close to maxxed out on most— all— of them right now). Then, I’ll trade in some recyclables (That activity is always, uhhh, sobering… somehow, when I haul all those bags of recyclables to the place behind Goodwin’s, I look like an alcoholic… weird… whatever).
But then… then the BIG money: I’ll cash out my 401k! Now, the only way to cash this out is to be terminated from my day job… so, since they just won’t fire me, I’ll need to quit. However, this will save me a lot of money in commuting costs, AND give me a lot more time to spend with my new Hellcat… win, win, WIN!
Next, we’ll need to downsize on the bills and the living expenses. Obviously, nobody NEEDS cable TV, Internet, cell phones, phones, gas, electricity or water. Those are LUXURIES. For some reason, my unreasonable wife is such a “Princess” that she feels like these are (her word) “necessities.” Now, of course we NEED food… but there is no reason to think that “food” can’t be Top Ramen a few times per day. Oh, plus she thinks that HER car is also a necessity… but that will need to be sold, too, in order to round up the cash necessary for the Hellcat.
Of course, the house we live in does not NEED to be this cavernous 800 sq. ft. mansion… we’ll be just fine in a trailer, ESPECIALLY if we share it with a few other families. And, if that trailer is on a certain piece of property I found, just a few miles out of Baker, it will be very, very affordable. Since I will no longer be working, there are no concerns about how far we are from “employment opportunities.” So, we can sell THIS house (after removing the copper pipes, wiring, and aluminum screen frames, of course… MORE recyclables!), and move to the desert.
Finally… after these subtle lifestyle changes, I should still have about $100 remaining. Since we’ll be fairly close to Vegas, I’ll use $80 for the gas to get there, and put the final $20 on a winning number on the roulette wheel. Win, repeat. Win, repeat… after just a few times, we’ll have all kinds of money again. Not that we’ll need it any longer, but at least we’ll have enough to gas the car up again for the drive back to our 1/3 of the trailer.
Anyhow… Mrs. Kdog is all bent out of shape over my plan. She’s thrown around words like, “insane,” “foolish,” “irresponsible,” and even, “blooming idiot.” Obviously, women simply don’t understand how this all works. And she seems reluctant to make a couple of small sacrifices for MY needs.
Don’t fret, though… I’ll still do road reports… but, with no Internet, the message will be relayed via smoke signal, assuming that I can find something to burn out there in the desert. And, the roads I report on might not be EXACTLY the same as the roads you rich mountain people drive on, with all of your, “pavement,” and “speed limits,” and so forth. But… I’ll be in a Hellcat, so there’s that.
Okay… my brevity turned to levity regarding the termination of my Chevity’s longevity. Between the lender and the spender, my wife simply needs to surrender, and engender the splendor of the Challenger.