Good morning, commuters! We’re halfway through the week, working on the third course of five, and there are still no hazards to report on the morning commute. So, yet again, this so- called, “road report” will wander off on a random tangent. Today, though, it comes with a spoiler alert: The milk in the fridge expired three weeks ago.
A couple of nights ago, my friend took me out to dinner at that Korean BBQ place out near Lake Silverwood. As an independent restaurant reviewer (I cleverly say that a lot, because maybe, someday, I’ll get a meal comped to me), I must report that it was great. The ambience was nice, the location unique, the service very good… and the food excellent. It is utterly amazing that so much exotic food can be found in the most oddball of locations… I mean, come on: Korean BBQ in the middle of the sorta hills/ sorta desert boonies, along the side of a two- lane highway? Well… there’s very little competition there, so that’s a plus for them.
Ray and I ate quail eggs, eels, and avocados. We consumed raw things, and BBQed things and fried things and things from the ocean and the air (wait… do chickens fly?). We ate things that were so unidentifiable that we’re not sure if they were plant, animal, pasta, fungus, or petroleum product, but they were delicious. Fish eggs kept showing up in various dishes and drinks, and I even ate a live goldfish (juuuuuust kidding…). A number of canivoral things were cooked right there at the table, and I lost count of the number of courses that kept showing up. We ate a lot of crazy things that night.
Okay, this is not really a restaurant review… but I guess it’s not really a road report, either, so whatever. But, eating those unique and exotic foods the other night got me to thinking about all of the strange things I have eaten over the years…
When I was a kid, I had a terrible disease that required me to eat big spoonfuls of dirt, three times per day. My folks never mentioned it to me… it’s a damn good thing my brother told me about it.
I was at a friend’s house not too long ago. He had a big jar of candy- glazed peanuts on his coffee table. I indulged myself with a handful. They seemed a little stale, and not real sweet, but being in the mood for a little food to “take the edge off,” I powered through. I had another handful… and another. However, on that third handful, I mentioned to him that the peanuts seemed a little stale. Only then did he notice that I had been snacking out of the jar that he had emptied of peanuts, and now stored his dog’s kibble in. He thought it was pretty funny… at least one person in the room got a laugh out of it.
Then there was the time that I had lost a bet… my penalty was that I had to eat some garden snails. However, I slipped away from my crowd of “friends” and called the poison control center first… just to be safe. I asked the guy, “Are common garden snails toxic?” I could hear him typing away, apparently looking something up on his computer. During this time, he attempted to engage me in small talk.
“Awwww… how old is your youngster?” he asked.
When I replied that the eater was me, and that I had not yet done it, but PLANNED to, he paused for a couple of extra beats. Then he said, “The only thing I can recommend is to use a little mustard, perhaps pair it with a subtle white wine… and enjoy your meal.”
Then there’s the time I called up the manufacturer of a minty mouthwash (I’m STILL trying to get the taste of dirt, dog food, and snails out of my mouth). I was curious about just how bad swallowing any of the stuff could be… there are warnings on the bottle telling consumers not to, but come on… we put it in our mouths! So, I called, and rather than explain my theoretical question, I simply phrased it like an actual swallower. “I sometimes swallow your product when I use it. Is that bad?”
The really friendly guy asked, “Hey before we go on, can I get your name and address, so we can send you some promotional material, and some product samples?”
Cool! My lucky day! I gave him my info. However, as soon as I had completed that information divulgence, his voice became that of a KGB interrogator: “I will now inform you that you have just been placed on our list of abusers. If any report is ever made of an overdose or illegal intoxication resulting from your misuse of this product, we will use this evidence against you. Comrade.”
Geez! Can’t even ask a question. I wasn’t REALLY consuming it… but now I have this on my PERMANENT RECORD!!! Oh, and no cool stuff was EVER sent to me.
Folks, that’s it for today’s food- themed edition of the Road Report. I’ll leave you with something to ponder:
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. How is it that when bacon is smoked, it is then, “cured?”