The Slightly Unhinged Commuter’s Prayer
Dear Lord,
Today, we come to you with slightly bended knee, hands folded around the wheel at 10 and 2, but eyes open… sorry about that last part. We’ll open up with thanks for a roadway clear of rocks, wrecks, failing bridges, firenadoes, or deer on the highway. We thank thee for obstacle- free roads, basically.
And now to the request portion of our beseechment, because you know that we are here to get things. First, please shew thine spirit to the left lane squatter… shew him the way of the wise and noble, so that he may be moved by the spirit to lift the little lever on the side of his steering wheel, activate his blinker, and move on over to the RIGHT lane. Yea, for he who is RIGHTeous, may drive as slow as he wishes, without stirring the desires within me to honk, and shew him my middle finger for doing 35 MPH in the left— passing!— lane. If his carnal desire is to never exceed 35 MPH, then let him be blessed while doing so in the RIGHT lane, that he may be RIGHTeous. And when the path that is well- traveled becomes only one in each direction, like through The Narrows, please inspire your will upon these white- knuckled, incredibly slow, chronic- uphill- brake- using- Heathens to enter a turnout once in a while, so that the masses of faithful saints may continue marching on at normal speeds.
And Lord, please find a way to end the distracted- driving/ texting thing. Yesterday, my Job- like patience was tested (Sure, I failed, whatever… I assume that cursing, using ALL of “the words,” is an automatic fail?), when I sat through an extra cycle at the traffic signal, because the bimbo ahead was too busy texting to DRIVE the damn car when the light turned green. And, many have steered from the narrow path, into MY narrow freakin’ path, because they doth text and drive on the freeway… well, because they doth text and NOT drive. Perhaps you could maybe turn these sinners into pillars of salt or something, that others may see that this is the path of the condemned? Or, maybe the way of the Lord could be to shoot some sort of lightning bolt through their car and into them… at least enough to kill the phone? Not trying to tell you how to do your job or anything, just sort of suggesting things that may have crossed my feeble human mind from time to time.
And, Lord, when I come around a curve on Hwy. 138, and some Philistine is coming at me with half of his chariot in MY lane, could you maybe just strike him dead with hellfire and brimstone? I know this may seem harsh, Lord, but this is my selfish desire.
Lord, when flatlanders (By the way, God, please note that these are people who have CHOSEN to live closer to Hell than us mountain folks… jus’ sayin’) simply stop in the road, for no discernible reason (maybe…. “SQUIRREL!!!”), especially at the five- way intersection in Crestline’s Top Town, and ESPECIALLY when there is ice and snow on the road… well, Lord, I won’t mind a bit, and I’ll never even say it was you, should thou choose to open gaping chasms underneath them, that they may be swallowed by the Earth, never to be seen again. Please close these pits leading to Hell again quickly, though, that I may maintain my own righteous path of necessary momentum.
And, Lord, when I am exiting the 210 at Waterman, and the cursed fool in the left lane simply drives into my lane, as happens at least once per week, I beseech thee to strike them, smite them, and perhaps even set them ablaze, in order that they may learn that it is never okay to do this when a car is next to them. That, Lord, or else simply give them the additional 90 IQ points that they need to become, “average.”
Finally, Lord, grant me the ability to launch Hellfire Missiles from under my grill at those sinners who feel that rolling roadblocks are the behavior of those who have any chance of eternal paradise. Obviously, they will eventually burn in agonizing hell, and while this punishment is far too mild for that transgression, though, please grant me the skill, the tools, the ability to send them there early. Guide my Hellfires with thine steady hand, and send them right up his tailpipe… and to be exceedingly clear, Lord, I do not mean the CAR’S tailpipe, either.
For yea, though I live in the shadow of the Valley of Enchantment, we beseech of thee, that the path of the righteous may be free of obstacles. As the great philosopher George Carlin noted in Hezekiah 6:22, “Those who drive slower than I are idiots; while those who drive faster than I are maniacs.” So, please, grant everybody else the wisdom to drive juuuuust right today.
Amen.