Good morning, commuters… today’s drive lacks obstacles, but it’s likely that you’ll be kicking that AC on pretty early in the morning: At 5AM, I saw temps close to 90 on the way DTH. The HELL warning has been issued: “Heat Excess Looks Likely.” We’re looking at 110s in many parts of the IE, but, see, that’s because today is the COOLER of the next few days: Tomorrow (Warmsday), temps will increase… scorch is a word that’ll get thrown around a lot.
So, news today is that many of Pepperidge Farms’ Goldfish crackers are being recalled, due to a salmonella risk. Finally, vindication for me! All this time, I’ve been saying that the things taste nothing like goldfish (hey, I went to college parties)… they taste way more like salmon to me (but nothing like the little jars of neon pink caviar sold at Lake Drive Hardware, incidentally). Then again, I’ve been suggesting for years that “Nilla Wafers” should come in a variety of different flavors… the salmon- flavored ones would obviously be called the, “Salmon Nilla Wafers.”
In other news, we hear that MGM Grand is suing victims’ families, and survivors, of the mass shooting in Las Vegas. Now, that might seem odd, but I guess it makes sense: It’s GREAT publicity for a giant corporation to sue victims of a tragedy, and the casino probably needs financial protection in order to feed its family. Besides, the casino did a great job of preventing the threat, with their vigilant assistance in helping the gunman carry his arsenal to his room, and then with their amazing response during the shooting: It only took them about an hour to figure out where he was shooting from, since their ONLY clues were a guy who got shot in the hallway, pointing at the door, saying, “The shooter is in there,” and the sound of gunfire coming from one room. So, sure, MGM…. Sue away. See what the public thinks of that.
In other very random, and extremely local news, what the hell happened in MY neighborhood last night? Around 7:00 PM, I heard an unusual sound outside. Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters, and threw up the sash (I think I threw it up because I had WAY too many beers before I ate the sash… but, whatever).
In my neighbor’s yard was a guy with a hatchet, trying to chop down a tree. It wasn’t Abe Lincoln, honestly, or George “Wooden Teeth” Washington (I can’t remember who chopped down the cherry tree and couldn’t tell a lie), nor was it my neighbor… as I tried to figure out what was going on, I heard my neighbor shout from his OWN sash- thrown- up- window, something to the effect of, “What in the actual duck are you DOING?!?” This was a clue that the tree- chopper wasn’t a welcome guest there.
Hatchet man yelled back, that—- DUH!!!— he was chopping a tree down because he needed wood for a fire.
Well… of course. NOW it all makes sense.
But, my neighbor just couldn’t leave it alone, for some reason, and told this nut to get the hell out of his yard. At that point, chopper- boy ran TOWARDS my neighbor’s front door.
Now, I have certainly never wanted to face off with a guy holding a hatchet, but, ax anybody who knows me, I’m also not one to sit idly by as my neighbor gets the ol’ Friday the 13th treatment, so I sprinted for the neighbor’s house.
However, it turns out that skinny Paul Bunyan (BTW: His ax was NOT blue) had decided not to confront my neighbor… he’d changed his mind, and decided not to chop down my neighbor’s tree, either. However, as he ran around haphazardly in the street, I asked him what the hell he was doing: He said that he was going to find firewood elsewhere… because he NEEDED a fire, of course. And off he went…
Yep… I can’t think of anything more important to have than a fire, in order to get through these frigid nights of 80 degree temps. Ain’t meth grand?