Good morning, casual commuters and road ragers alike! I’m so terribly sorry to report— YET AGAIN— that there are no hazards to be aware of. No fog, no rocks, no rain, no wrecks… the yella Camaro has been shut off and I’m parked in front of a computer, so there’s THAT, too. A whole lotta nuthin’ goin’ on.
However, it HAS come to my attention that at least TWO important events are occurring today: We’ll cover both!
First, the Tour de France (Translation: “Race of Spain”) is in progress now, so I’ve taken the liberty of researching this important event. It’s a world- class event (which is why they are competing for what is known as, “The World Cup”), and sophisticated, cultured people like us hillbillies should be well- versed in this dang ol’ thing.
Some of you may recall a few years ago, when they held the Tour de France right here in our mountains. They called it something else, but sure enough, it was a whole lot of super- spindly bicycles ridden by scores of international masochists. This was the time that we all learned the word, “Peloton,” which dinosaur scientists (known as, “geriatric pediatricians”) USED to think was a dinosaur, but now they know that it was more of a prehistoric bird- thing that looked like a pelican.
Anyhow, that race was very interesting (no, it wasn’t… I’m just being polite), but since the only famous bicycle riders in the world are the band, “Queen,” and Lance Armstrong, and none of them were participating in that event, it sort of lost its star appeal.
Oh, but speaking of Lance Armstrong, we haven’t seen that guy in a long time… I hear he’s half nuts, but he is having a ball!
Anyhow, the Tour de France started earlier in the month of July, and will run into the latter part of this month. Now, Europeans are not as tough as Americans, so they run their races in “kilometres,”(translation: “kilometers”) which are way easier than the tough, burly “miles” that we have here. Kilometres are short and delicate, so it’s easy for them to do thousands of them. However, as mentioned, even though they are totally into, “short and delicate,” because they are Europeans, they take damn near a month to complete the race! Imagine if our NASCAR races took that… the sunburn and the hangover would be epic!
I will give them this much: As far as “tours” go, this one is not as comfy as the ones I am familiar with. Apparently, they are required to provide their own food, their own transportation, and their own lodging. There’s no guy to tell them where cool stuff is found, and they never stop to take selfies of themselves tugging on crocodile tails or sitting on bison. Their “friends” don’t even let them ride in the motor home, unless no one is looking. So, maybe it shouldn’t be called a “tour,” but more of a “do- it- yourself” exercise in bikery…. No frills.
I did hear that one rider head- butted another rider the other day. I think he was Canadian, and had forgotten that the rules for hockey do not apply in this race. That’s a mistake anybody could make… but he was disqualified. Officials said that he simply pucked up.
Okay, second big event: Today is WORLD Emoji Day! As you know, the Emojis were an ancient order of Asian martial arts experts who could sneak around silently, sort of like the Jedis (know you must, though, that short, green and hairy, they were not). They developed the Suzuki Samurai sword, and drew small pictures on the walls of the monastery to indicate their emotional state, or, occasionally, even their current bodily functions. In fact, the “poop” emoji is the only one that I EVER use today, but that’s because I’m 14- years- old, in a significant number of ways, and I totally think that scatological archeology is hilarious.
Wait: Bonus info… this just ink: Today is also National Tattoo Day! If you ever wanted to have a little fun, like with tattooing varicose veins onto your legs, or perpetual “surprised” eyebrows on your face, or a HUGE purple mole to totally stump your doctor with, today is the day!
Or… you could tattoo that poop emoji… or, wait, how ‘bout a spindly bicycle rolling across the European countryside, with some kilometers underneath it, being chased by a peloton!