Good morning, my friends… and thanks for tuning in to another edition of Kdog’s Road Report. Be advised, I’m not working with much: Roads seem to be effortless to navigate today, as chaining is unnecessary, swerving to avoid obstacles isn’t on the menu, and roads are dry and grippy. I got nothin’ here folks…
However, today is a whole bunch of, “National Days!” Sure, this might be sort of a cop- out for the road report, but work with me, please. We’re either going to need some highway hazards to report about, or else I’m practically forced to seek advisement from a secret deep state government operative who provides me with daily information regarding what “National Day” it is.
Let’s start with “National Eat Your Jell-O Day.” Wow. This holiday may need to be revised. Bill Cosby just jumps to mind as the poster boy for this celebration… but nobody seems to be shouting this from the roofietops. Just have a drink, relax, forget your worries… and everything else… eat your Jell-O brand Jell-O pudding cups. You know the, uhhh, drill.
It’s also, “National Different Colored Eyes Day.” Really… there’s a National Day for just about every imaginable thing there is, and even some things that are just barely things. I guess David Bowie had different colored eyes, and sometimes, Ronda Rousey has different colored eyes. Oh, well, I will offer myself a very generous license to call this a segue into a thing I recently witnessed… something that reminded me of an old Monte Python skit. Remember the one where the guy kept getting his limbs hacked off, but he was downplaying it every time, saying, “Oh, it’s nothing… it’s just a flesh wound!”?!? Well, a guy in a warehouse where I while many of my hours away had come into the main office after an accident out on the floor… his eye was bleeding: Something had stabbed him in the eye… rather severely, in fact.
Well, this seemed pretty serious, and a manager dove for the phone to call 9-1-1. The victim stopped him, though, and said, “No, no… don’t do that. It’s not a big deal… I was already blind in that eye anyhow!”
Wow… nobody saw THAT coming (It’s also likely that the guy did not see whatever came at him).
Sorry about the grue, but that IS a true story that needed to be told… on to other National Days! It’s “National Paper Bag Day!”
Paper or plastic? Today, we celebrate by saying, “Paper! I don’t want to wreck the planet with another plastic bag… I want to chop a tree down!”
It seems like the only national day that it’s not, is “National National Day Day.” Oh, and it’s also not, “National Kdog’s Road Report Day.” I’m working on getting that going, but there’s not a lot of steam behind it yet. Apparently, some of the reports, “lack substance,” and APPEAR to mock the excessive proliference of other “national days.” So, at a minimum, I need to avoid the appearance of mockery, in order to stop annoying the committee that decides what national days to celebrate… on second thought, that’s not likely to happen, unless these roads start giving me something of substance to write about!