Kdong’s Rode Repost 07/02/18

 

The roads are clear… nothing on the highway to cause you concern, at least for the early morning commute. It’s difficult to predict the daytime flatlander- to-  mountain- driver ratio today, though, with the 4^th of July being on a Wednesday… will the mountain roads continue to have a top speed 6 MPH for the next few days, or have some of the flatlanders returned home for Monday and Tuesday? That remains to be seen.  My advice is to ASSUME that the trip from Crestline to Lake Arrowhead will take two hours, since the apparent top speed for the terrifying drive is, “half the speed of smell…” and there’s apparently a rumor going around among the flatlanders that they don’t need to utilize turnouts to allow traffic to pass until they have 35,000 angry, honking, flashing- lights drivers behind them, and even then, they are exempt from the rule if they are not in the MOOD to comply.

Sorry… I guess it sounds like I am bitter about the traffic issues we’ve experienced all weekend long… I don’t mean for it to sound that way. I MEANT for it to sound like I am REALLY bitter.

Oh, well… some of us ARE going to work today. You and me are headed in to the office or to the job site, or to the warehouse, or wherever the paycheck process begins. And, pretty much without exception, in this modern age of email and texting, InstaBook and FaceGram,  you WILL have to deal with… AutoErection! Wait, nope, sorry… AutoCorrection! Yep… what a wonderful technology this is!

I got a text from Mrs. Kdog not too long ago that read, “I’m doing Gary Sping.” Wait, WHAAAAT? It turns out that she had ATTEMPTED to text, “I’m going grocery shopping,” but, AutoCorrect just KNEW what she REALLY meant, especially given that hardly anybody ever uses the highly obscure word, “shopping,” but that any letters similar to that are almost certainly people trying to spell that name, “Sping.” It’s not even likely that AutoCorrect had “learned” the name, “Sping,” from usage, as we don’t even know anybody named “Sping.” (At least… I don’t think that we do.)

Then, the editor of this very site texted me recently, saying, “I need your body.” Fine… I was pretty happy about THAT text, because FINALLY I could get in on the “#me too” (pound me too) movement. I was already trying to reach Gloria All- Red to get on the Harvey Weinstein bus to settlement- paydaytown, when the editor sent ANOTHER text to me saying, “Wait! No! I meant, “I need you, buddy!” I don’t want your body!” Of, course, naturally, I was insulted at that point that my body held no fascination after all, so now my focus has changed to working on a lawsuit over the mental distress I’ve experienced from rejection and body shaming.

I don’t see much positive correction happen with AutoCorrect, either… it doesn’t seem to catch every mispelligg, but even when it does, the algorithms that determine what word you MEANT to type are so bizarrely out of tune with reality, that we get final results that are gobbledygook. Why would I ever send a text that reads, “Bong on my smuber?” But AutoCorrect decided that I meant that, in spite of what I meant. I am considering not just turning AutoCorrect OFF, but actually enabling “Auto- Incorrect,” just to see if that works better.

I wonder if these AutoCorrected words are from some dictionary database maintained by the generation that went to school, learning that no answer is ever wrong, as long as they TRIED?!? Maybe, when I type the word, “tomorrow,” and AutoCorrect, clears its throat, tilts its head back a little, and with an air of superiority, changes the word to, “tidmorrvo,” it’s because that’s the “word” that was entered into the database?!?

The comedy produced by AutoCorrect disrupting the lives of otherwise non- vulgar, respectable people has even spawned websites, chock full of “corrections” that have greatly altered the intended trajectories of the meanings of messages. Google it sometime, when you are looking for a chuckle or two…

And, what’s with the “moral” judgment sometimes displayed by AutoCorrect? Sometimes, for whatever reason, I try to type curse words or vulgarities, and that mother forklift won’t let me!

Pardon the rant… enjoy the bisexual week. Nope, not it… the BISECTED week. Stupid AutoErect.