Today’s commute is free from rain, rocks, even fog… but, there are voters driving around. Something like 22% of the drivers on the road this morning are those! In support of today’s primary election vote, I’ve provided a handy set of guidelines, to get you up to speed, so that you, too, can make an informed decision at the polls.
First off, I checked Wikipedia for locations of the polls: As it turns out, either Wikipedia is wrong, or somebody is just trying to make things difficult, as there are only TWO! The North, and the South… I’m pretty sure this is what the Civil War was about. This is where the “Ballot Hymn of the Republic” was composed, by Francis Scott “Keynote” Speaker.
So, select your voting location, and see what’s offered. Some of the things are plain and obvious. How about hanging Chad? Come on! That guy did not do anything, plus hanging seems so barbaric… vote “NO” on hanging Chad. How ‘bout the “Punch card?” Of course not… violence is a terrible thing, something to Villarigosily oppose. The other questions are a real bother… quite the public Newsomce if you ask me. The Department of Voting and Waterways went WAY overboard with the selections offered. Vote how ever you like on Dianne Feinstein, older sibling of Albert, the physicist. Just remember that HE’s the one who got the brains… she got the looks. Plus, both of them are pretty quarky.
Okay, so for the Lieutenant Governor positions, some of the candidates need to be stricken just for spelling reasons: Top candidates include, “Kounalakis” and “Gharabiklou.” I am not making this up. Just spelling their names is a LOT of work, something we do not want to do for the next couple of years. On the other hand, if you are going to learn how to spell, “lieutenant,” then you might as well learn those names. So, whatever you want there… it only depends on your commitment to spelling.
For the propositions, obviously, vote no on the Weinstein Proposition. Especially if it includes the words, “Let’s talk business, up in my suite.” I don’t care who you are, that will not— well, SHOULD not— have a happy ending. Vote “yes” on all of the even- numbered propositions, and “no” on all of the others… this is a good rule of thumb, which prevents you from supporting anything that seems odd.
You cannot vote for purple, orange, chartreuse, magenta, or burnt sienna. You may only select from blue, yellow, and red for today’s vote. I’m not trying to tint the results of the election, but remember that today’s event is just a PRIMARY election.
Please note that today’s voter guide will not include any puns about the Republican candidate for governor. There are simply too many risks involved for this writer and his already tenuous record of keeping the column “family friendly.” While the candidate might be fine, casual use of the name, even in the pursuit of humor, is not recommended. Note also that if the election last longer than four hours, a physician should be notified. There. Dang it. I’m in trouble now. I tried not to do that, but it just happened.
Finally, this time around, do not vote for Gary Coleman (unless you ARE Gary Coleman, since, in CA, the dead are allowed to vote), any porn stars (even though one just became the mayor of West Hollywood, I think), Gray Davis, that guy from “The Walking Dead” (he’s not a real governor, plus, he’s evil), Kiefer Sutherland, Mariah Carey, Mary Carey (Oh, I already mentioned the porn star thing), Kevin Spacey, the Golden State Killer, Ahnold the Terminator (in spite of his oath, “All be bock!” and his command to, “Get to the choppa!”), or Jerry “Moonbeam” “Bullet Train” “Raisin Taxes” Browndoggle…. I heard that that guy is always picking gubernatorials from his nose. These candidates are not eligible this year, and many should have never been.