This article brought to you by Lake Gregory Recreation
Good morning… Thursday is here, and there’s only one more wake-up left before the weekend commences. Roads are so freakin’ easy today that you’ll just cruise without concern. I’ve got nothin’ for you.
Today is National Relaxation day. I cannot help but note the irony in holding this day NOT on a Saturday or a Sunday, but right in the middle of the workweek. Wait, maybe it sort of makes sense… Relaxation day seems like the opposite of Labor day, and we always relax on Labor day. So I guess we work on Relaxation day? I don’t know. Whatever. (Note to self: It’s probably best to just strike this paragraph before publishing, unless the whole column is so bad that THIS one is the best you’ve got…)
We’ve mentioned this before, but there is STILL a lot of talk about the probably-tongue-in-cheek plans to storm Area 51, the military installation in the Nevada desert that many people believe hides the wreckage and remains of extraterrestrial visitors and their craft. You may recall that some guy on the Internet made a joke a few weeks ago about gathering a bunch of people up to rush the gates simultaneously, under the notion that, “They can’t stop us all!”
Apparently, it was a joke to start with… but to this point, over TWO MILLION people have pledged to participate. Now, most likely, the vast majority of these claimants have no intention or ability to do so… but even if 1% of them are crazy enough to try, that’s still 20,000 conspiracy theorists in a stampede! The government seems to be taking it as a legitimate possibility and has issued public warnings discouraging this event. Oh, and because I know military weaponry fairly well, I can tell you… they CAN stop all of them, quickly and effectively. Just so y’all know that ahead of time.
This event has become so serious that I actually saw an article headline on the Internet the other day about, “What to Wear When You Storm Area 51.” I guess you wouldn’t want to do that without donning a cute outfit first.
I’d like to suggest alternatives: Let’s storm Interstate 15! Or Spotlight 29! Or Four Corners? How ‘bout 29 Palms?
It is being reported that guards who were supposed to be keeping an eye on Jeffrey “Totally Not a Printer Guy, But Just Barely Not Harvey Weinstein” Epstein were from the “Narco” squad. Not the Narcotics Squad, but the Narcoleptic Squad. Apparently, the guards were sound asleep when he shamefully shuffled off these mortal coils for his own long sleep. I wonder if these were the same two guards who I encountered a few years ago at Fort Riley?
One early morning, the task was to take a helicopter around the perimeter of Fort Riley, stopping in at every guard location to check on the status of the guards. At some locations, the pilot would simply drop down low to the ground, and if the guards at that location gave us a “thumbs up,” we knew that all was well, and we’d head to the next guard point.
However, at one location, which happened to have a small shack for the guards to shelter in, we got no such signal… no thumbs, no faces in the window, nuthin’ at all, in fact. So, the bird landed, in order that Sarge could go have a closer look. Upon entering the guard shack, two guys were found sleeping so soundly that they did not hear a freakin’ Huey land close enough to give them haircuts. Sure, they awoke when Sarge kicked ‘em, but it was pretty clear that these two were not alert and performing their duties as required.
So, I tried the “Impossible Whopper.” This is the Burger King offering that has no meat… in place of the ol’ patty, is a substitute made of non-meat products. Now, I’m quite carnivorous, and I’m a big fan of the Whopper… sometimes, I just gotta have one. But, I found myself “vege-curious.” Anyhow, this new thing is called “impossible” because the patty looks like a beef patty, it has the texture of a beef patty, and, in my opinion, it tastes like a beef patty… but contains nothing that ever had a face. I’d say that it’s close enough to actual meat that if a person were unaware somebody had pulled the ol’ switcheroo in their burger, they would never question the validity of the meat. Bottom line: the thing is great. I give it as many thumbs as one is allowed. (Two? Ten? A whole forest of thumbs… or is that impossible? Hmmmm… then, yes, I’m going with a whole forest of thumbs!)
So last week, headlines showed that an award-winning equestrienne was shot (she’s recovering) by a former Olympian in some sort of personal dispute. I have it on good authority, however, that there was also a Caribbean comedian, a Cyclopean Korean, and even an epicurean Galilean involved… plus, the millionaire and the professor and… MaryAnne!!!
Relax (but don’t fall asleep at work), have a vege-burger, and let’s get ready to storm the 700 Club!