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I got nothin’ for you regarding road conditions… there’s just nothing too amusing to muse about. Summer is tough on a road reporter… we are forced to come up with a bunch of other stuff to say. So, here it is:
Last week, Juaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, the notorious drug trafficker, was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole.
Apparently, though, the drug operation that he headed is still running strong… now with his brother at the helm. His brother is known as Aureliano “El Guano” Guzman.
I don’t speak very fluent Mexican (I kid! I kid! Es una broma muy Graciosa!). But, I am aware of what “guano” is, and it isn’t a terribly complimentary term. It seems weird to me that a kingpin boss of a mega-billion dollar industry would be okay with a name that means poop… poop from bats or seabirds, no less. Sure, organic horticulturists are totally into guano (I hail from Humboldt County… need I say more?), but other than them, it seems everybody else in the entire world would see it as a derogatory name.
Sure, I understand that “El Chapo” basically means, “Shorty,” given Juaquin’s lack of stature… but that isn’t so difficult to live with. But “El Guano?” How in the hell did he get that name… and why doesn’t he just kill every person who refers to him that way? Isn’t that what drug cartel kingpins do?!?
Ice, Ice, Baby… today is National Vanilla Ice Cream day. And, while some may roll their eyes at the boringness of freakin’ VANILLA, I’ll boldly and proudly proclaim that vanilla is my hands-down favorite flavor of ice cream. There… I said it. I’m completely out of the closet… I’m loud, I’m proud, and I won’t be cowed. I’m part of the crowd who might get plowed, but to vanilla’s honor I have vowed!
Only a few more days to vote on coolest cop cars of state police! This informal poll even allows for us civilians to weigh in on what state has the coolest cruisers. Here’s a link: 2019 Best Looking Cruiser Contest Enjoy… and, naturally, vote for the CHALLENGER. I mean, I’m pretty sure you would have, anyhow, I’m just saying. Dang… I hope I haven’t just committed some sort of voter law violation… I’ll bet that Florida State Troopers would be the ONLY ones to decline prosecution of me…
Oh, since you’ve brought up the topic of cop cars, please allow me to share a random story. See, one of my very good friends is a police officer in Louisiana. Over the years, he’s become a high-ranking, highly-decorated officer… but, back when he was a rookie with less than a year under his belt, he found a way to be noticed.
The rear door locks on his cruiser had some sort of problem. The correction was made, and the door locks were given a clean bill of health by the mechanics. Well, Officer Jeff needed to double check: it’s HIS car, HIS responsibility to ensure that those locks really were working properly. Now, as SOME of us—I mean you—may have discovered during the wilder years of your lives (Come on! How would I know this?!?!?), the back seat doors on a cruiser do NOT open from the inside… they can ONLY be opened from the outside. There are reasons for this, which probably don’t need explicit explanation. In any case, Officer Jeff had a fellow officer stand outside of the car to open the doors after Officer Jeff got into the back seat and closed the doors. Officer Jeff hopped in… and sure enough, the doors would not open from the inside. Good! He hollered for his buddy to let him out.
The fellow officer pulled on the door handle… but found it to be locked from the OUTSIDE as well. He tried the front doors… locked. Apparently, one of the officers, just as a matter of habit, had pressed the door locks, and closed the front doors, thus locking every door on the vehicle. At that moment, Officer Jeff realized that the only keys to this vehicle… were in his pocket.
A locksmith had to be called to let the captive cop out of the car. It’s been rumored, too, that the locksmith was told, possibly even a few times, that there was no rush… take your time, grab lunch before getting over here, heck, take the long way ‘round the ol’ bayou… no rush at all. Of course, in the time that it took for the locksmith to dispatch, transit, arrive, and go to work, every other cop in the department came around to have a look at the rookie trapped in his own car. I’m told that officers from neighboring departments even heard about it, and raced under lights and sirens to get there in time for pictures and fun. And, to this very day, I am told, the departmental offices display pictures of a few high-ranking officials, with a young fella in the background, trapped in his own cruiser.
Okay, finally, today is National Gorgeous Grandma day. And, I’m going to take this opportunity to share a guy-code thing with the ladies out there… some of whom may not know this.
When I was a young fella, I found the girls that were about my own age to be the most attractive… older women, with rare exception, were just “not my type,” I guess. I did, however, wonder at the time, if older women would strike me as attractive when I became that “man of a certain age.”
I’m pleased to report that indeed, as I have grown older, so has my perception of attractiveness: women of approximately my own age are still beautiful creatures. And, because I’m a guy, who talks with OTHER guys, I can tell you that this is not a unique thing. Be it known, ladies: us fellas still find you intriguing, stimulating, and beautiful… as we all age together. Don’t think that men (some of whom CAN be pigs, but not ALL are) ONLY have eyes for the younger ladies… nope, gorgeous grandmas are a thing.
See you all on Wednesday!