This report brought to you by Davis Auto Body
Good morning, commuters! Roads are dry and winding, but you probably anticipated that. There’s just not much else to say about ‘em, though… just stab it and steer.
Last year a guy was sentenced to 50 years in prison for stealing over a million dollars worth of fajitas. Yup… the fajita bandito was caught. It turns out, this guy worked for some government office in Texas, and was buying relatively large quantities of freakin’ fajitas using government funds… then he was reselling the pilfered provisions, the contraband comestibles, the filched fajitas… and keeping the money. Damn… 50 years. For felony fajita fraud. That is loco!
My buddy has a couple of big dogs. He named them Timex and Rolex, because they are watch dogs.
I’ve got a secret mission planned, in a remote location. I’m going to take a shovel, and a couple of digits… that’s right: I’m going out to the desert, to bury a 51.
So, apparently, there is this app that’s everybody is going bananas over. It’s called “FaceApp,” and there is a filter on the app that can be used to see what a person will look like when they are old. You upload your picture, press the button, and whammo… there’s a picture of you, but old. Only, the app seems to be broken: I tried it, and nothing changed. It was just the same picture I had submitted. Whatever. Stupid app.
I tried to read some random story about Iceland recently… only, it seems that while they have a shortage of vowels, they have plenty of K’s and J’s. I would venture to say that they have simply replaced most vowels with those two letters. Rejd the fjllowkng sjentc and thjn try to tjell me that thjs is nkt trju… fjr me anjyhkw, jt’s apparjnt thjt Icejlandik languaj hjs justk bejn djcipherkd.
Today is National Rat Catcher’s day. In the office where I work, I AM The Rat Catcher. Sure, it sounds really distinguished and glorious, but really, I’m just your regular ol’ noble, courageous, gallant hero. No big whoop… I haven’t let the fact that my valiant actions make it appear that I am a larger-than-life superhero go to my head… instead, I like to pretend I’m just a regular person. That said… I won’t deny that I am the guy who catches the rats. I get to check the rat traps in the morning, and do the coroner duties when a rodent has met his end. I’ve chased them, and even taken one by hand. Rats. Yep… we’ve got ‘em, but eventually, I’ll git ‘em.
I read a news story recently, one that sounded like it was pre-written specifically for this daily report. A guy jumped out of a freezer, threatened to stab employees at a New York eatery, but then simply died… and he was the subject of a cold-case investigation. I am not making this up, as much as I would love to claim this poetic just-ice. It really happened, and while nobody quite knows exactly why it all went down this way, it just did.
The “cold-case killer” was apparently hiding in an industrial freezer, when an unsuspecting employee opened the door. The Iceman then cameth, wielding a knife… at the shocked employee. But, before he was able to do any stabbing, he simply dropped… stone cold dead. He somehow put himself on ice.
I suspect that the employees were rather pleased with the end result… when somebody is trying to kill you, one thing you might hope for, a LOT, is that they would just randomly drop dead before the murderous deed is completed. Possibly for the first time ever, in the world’s entire history of people wishing for fantastically improbable things, it happened here.
Anyhow, cold-case closed… stone cold killer stone cold dead. No frosting on this cake, no icing either… this popsicle had a cooling-down period, time spent just chillin’, and still ended up on ice. That just gives me goose bumps!
That’s it for Monday… Hey, only four more days until the weekend!