This report brought to you by Rim Chiropractic
The monstrosity monikered as Monday has returned yet again… we’re starting another week of the ol’ grind.
Roads today are rainless, iceless, windless, rockless, wreckless, but not reckless. There is that “gittin’-real-familiar” undercast layer of cloud cover, which you’ll encounter on your downhill descent (as opposed to your UPhill descent, which would be the other way… wait. That doesn’t sound right… this thing seems to be going downhill, fast… whatever… I’m sure the editorial department will fix the everlovin’ hell out of it before it gets posted) at around 3,500 feet (around Panorama Point on Hwy. 18), and can even be defined as light—ALMOST moderate—fog for a mile or two of travel. However, below Upper Waterman Canyon Road’s exit, it just feels like you are in a gray overcast… no fog effect. I would much rather be on the mountain today myself, up in the blue skies and the sun, but, as it is for so many of us, a buck’s gotta be made, and the flatlands are where it often happens.
Today is National Stewart’s Root Beer day. Not Dad’s, not Barq’s, not A&W, not Frostie, not Hire’s… just Stewart’s brand for today. I’m not sure if each of the other brands have their own day, but this would not come as any surprise, given that the celebration of national days seems to become quite obscure and specialized at times. For all I know, we might have a special day set aside for, say, Barq’s Diet in the 12-oz. can day, aside from the 2-liter bottle day, or the regular/non-diet, or whatever.
It’s also GLOBAL Garbage Man day. I’m not sure if this differs from International Garbage Man day, World Garbage Man day, Galactic Garbage Man day, or Universal Garbage Man day, or if those are even different dates on the calendar. Whatever: Today is a global celebration of garbage men.
Many kids aspire to, one day, become firemen, astronauts, presidents, cops, rock stars, even superheroes. Not me: when I was a young pup, I dreamed of being a garbage man. I think this was mostly due to the potential to find lots of really cool stuff that people might throw into the trash. It would have been like treasure hunting, ALL day long, AND driving a very big truck. Win, freakin’ win, right?!? To think… if I had only followed my dream, I could have FILLED my house, floor to ceiling, with cool stuff I’d found in trash cans, dumpsters, and even just on the side of the road!
Finally (not because there are no more on the list—there are—but “finally” as in I’m not going any further down the list of national days…), it’s National Eat Your Vegetables day. Now, it turns out that a lot of vegetables are not vegetables, so I have compiled a list of things that your mom MIGHT try to make you eat, but, there are some biological definitions, things that actual botanists have decided, that are on your side. Know your rights! Know that the following things are not actually “vegetables”: tomatoes (fruit), cucumbers (fruit), squash (fruit), bell peppers (fruit), zucchini (fruit), broccoli (Betcha didn’t see that one coming on this list… but this is an “edible flower!”), and even cauliflower (edible flower). Heck, there may be others, too… those are just some of the major veggie impersonators. You still have to eat spinach and beets and carrots and peas, though… so don’t get too excited about these legal loopholes. Plus, even if you do throw down this gauntlet when your mom puts a plate in front of you, you might still need legal representation, and lawyers are freakin’ expensive. So, maybe just eat the damn things after all.
My nephew eats all of the carrots and peas on his plate.
So, we pretty much now know not to go to the Dominican Republic if we want to live a long and healthy lives. At least, don’t drink the mini-bar Scotch there. Or don’t be an MLB pro who just walks around like as if you won’t get shot. Whatever. It still seems a little over the top to see an actual “headline story” about the Dominican Republic, other than some guy reporting having stomach pain while swimming in a hotel pool there. Geez! Didn’t his mother ever tell him to wait 30 minutes after eating?!? Just another warning for this guy, in case he just didn’t pay attention: don’t make weird faces… your face could freeze that way!
A while back, my kid had an LG phone. She dropped it in the lake just three days after purchasing it. It was recovered since the water was only a couple of feet deep there, but the phone no longer worked… not one bit. It was a small, colorful, expensive brick. We sent it away to LG, asking if there was any way they could repair the seemingly destroyed phone, and we’d pay for repair costs, since it was uninsured, and clearly not defunct because of a factory defect. LG said that the damage to the phone was irreparable… but just for the hell of it, they sent us a brand new phone, at no charge!
That’s a true story. I cite it for two reasons: One, I want to spread the word that LG is a great company. They did a really cool thing there, without having any obligation to do so, and while I’m the first to holler when some business does WRONG, I’m also the first to holler when a business does something outstandingly GREAT. The other reason this story has been retold, is because I totally need a setup to mention our celebration for getting a new, $600 LG phone replaced: we held an LGBBQ event.
Bam. That’s all I’ve got, folks… every bit o’ funny has been squeezed the hell out of me. I’m totally wiped out… exsarsaparillad. I’ll need about 24 hours to replenish the creative juices, and I believe I’ll do so with a root beer float. As the rebel that I am, I will probably just use any ol’ root beer (preferably whatever’s on sale for $.79-for-a-two-liter) since I don’t even know if we can get that one brand mentioned earlier. Anyhow, when I’m all juiced up again, I’ll spill those creative juices right here on these very pages for Tuesday’s road report/comedy show. See you then!