This report brought to you by Kaila Brooks, Realtor
Today is National Jerky day… I just learned this this morning, but I’d suspected it all the way to work, considering how other drivers were behaving. I mean, today’s commute wasn’t remarkably different than any other day, but I sort of wonder if there are a lot a of drivers who maybe think that it’s National Jerky YEAR.
But, other than jerky drivers, roads seem serene. The ice and snow are not of big concern today, while wind, rocks, and fog are not things that will impede your travels. The ol’ grind is nothing but a stop sign or two, some curves, and maybe some traffic signals away. But, hey… it’s Friday. No, wait… Thursday. Dang it… it’s only WEDNESDAY?!?
Speaking of which, I descended the mountain on Sunday afternoon: peak flatlander return time. I am completely convinced that about half of those making the de-pilgramage were taking great measures to avoid losing control on the ice. These lumbering hordes of vehicles would crank it up to breakneck speeds of at least 35-40 MPH on the straight stretches, but then brake down to cautiously inch around every curve at intactneck speeds. I mean, we were freakin’ crawling around the curves. I cannot think of any other reason for this, other than these flatlanders believing that being the mountains, we MUST have ice on the roads (“You know… black ice IS invisible…!”). Indeed, I saw people piled into SUVs wearing winter coats and scarves (the PEOPLE were wearing the winter attire… the SUVs were not). Yes, on Sunday, June 09, 2019, in 90 degree weather, with the sun a blazin’ but… IN THE MOUNTAINS. It seems to me that they must equate mountains with ice regardless of other factors. I wonder how many sit around waiting for the St. Bernard to bring ‘em a little barrel of whiskey?
I mentioned recently that I had gotten myself a lil’ drone to fly around. (To clarify, the drone is what flies around… I do not fly around the drone, as my wings are under-developed at this time.) Well, I have indeed been flying this drone around… I even got real bold and went outside with it. Of course, outside is where we find trees, power lines, birds, airplanes, asteroids, dirt, paranoid people who believe that drones are watching THEM, attack eagles, hypersonic missiles, infinite space, and most importantly, a huge planet underneath that draws heavier-than-air objects towards it with something called “gravitational force.” If that drone goes up a couple of hundred feet, then decides to stop functioning, by the time gravitational force has worked its magic for a few seconds, all that will remain of the drone will be little fragments of ex-drone scattered all around a grown man weeping in the middle of a pool of tears.
Somehow, though, I was able to avoid damage from any of those hazards. In fact, I even became confident enough to go on a field trip to a more remote area—one with fewer trees and power lines—and really let the thing fly. Wow! Amazing… the video footage is awesome, the stills are incredible.
I remember when I was a kid, one of the catalog items I wanted really, really badly, was this model rocket that had a camera in the nose. You could launch the rocket and when the thing reached its apex, it would snap a picture of the ground 300 feet below and return the camera and film to Earth. Then, one could recover the film, take it to the developing place, and end up with an amazing picture. However, the picture only happened if EVERYTHING went right: the rocket didn’t explode/catch fire/go haywire/crash/get lost, and the shutter triggered at juuuuust the right moment, and the parachute deployed correctly, and the rocket survived landing without destroying the camera, and you FOUND the rocket, and the shot was focused and set correctly, and the film was removed without incident, and the film developing place did not lose/overexpose/underexpose or otherwise ruin the film. As long as all of those things happened in freakin’ perfect sequence, you’d have ONE cool picture.
With this drone, I can essentially take an infinite number of pictures, angled and positioned anywhere. All in super high resolution, too. The only error I have seen in the resolution is that it mistakenly makes it appear that there’s a thinning patch of hair towards the back of my scalp, and it gives the erroneous impression that my six-pack abs look more like a “beer gut.” Ha! As if… whatever… Other than those lil’ goofy errors, the resolution seems perfect.
So, random news: Headlines lately have teased the release of actual government data regarding secret investigations into Bigfoot evidence claims. The headlines IMPLY that the story will contain something to go ape over. However, the story is basically, that many years ago some people submitted proof of Bigfoot to government investigators in the form of some hair samples complete with follicle roots. The government (obviously, we assume the “Men in Black” office) tested the DNA… but the results have been held secret for many years… under lock and key, need-to-know only, maybe even with one of the off-kilter, “CONFIDENTIAL” or even, “TOP SECRET” red stamps across the front of the file. Whatever the case, it has been revealed now: the “proof” of Bigfoot has turned out to be hair from… a deer. A freakin’ mule deer. End of story. Hopes crushed, dreams squatched.
Okay, so get through National Jerky day without letting any of those celebrants make you mad… go slam into a Slim Jim, or… get some Jack Links. Just remember: don’t mess with Sasquatch. Or deer.