Welcome to Wednesday, warriors of winding roadways, throughways, freeways, expressways, highways, byways, dragways, parkways, and thruways!
Say… why do we drive on the parkway, and park in the driveway?
In any case, today’s coastal commute (‘cause, mostly, ya coast… see how I did that one there?) is a breeze… I mean, a LOT of breeze, too. There are gusts and gales and zephyrs and drafts. They’re blowing debris around… aaaaannnndddd… bringing rocks to the road. My commute revealed a LOT of rocks on Highways 138 and 18. I did not go through the Narrows today, but I’m betting that there are plenty of sinister stones there, too. I didn’t see anything bigger than a rooster today, but even that would give you a flat tire on your coupe.
Do you know why a chicken coop only has two doors? Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Today is National Farm Animal day. Don’t have a cow, man… don’t let it get your goat. We’re just horsing around, and that’s no bull. Now, I don’t want to hog all of the glory, but I am not too chicken to point out that obviously, I deserve a lot of credit for not even making any ass jokes here in this bit about farm animals. It’s because I’ve turned over a new leaf, and I’ve decided to class the joint up a little… this cream is rising to the top.
Okay, I’ve strayed from the road conditions that you’ve come to the trough for: other than wind and rocks, I can’t really milk much more out of it. There’s no fog… the sties are clear. Go hog wild, if you like, and barnstorm all the way down the mountain, since there’s no ice, no snow, not even any moisture to worry about. I presume mule be fine.
But still… watch for the rocks.
In astronomy news, we’re told that NASA has finally gotten a picture of a black hole, and we’re about to see the first-ever picture of one. (We’re told that today is the day we’ll see it.) I haven’t seen it yet… but I am willing to offer my services as an artist, and even provide a painting of one. Just from its own descriptive title, I already know what color it is, and what it should look like. I’ve totally got this. Stand by for the first-ever painting of a black hole.
Oh, and in other astronomy news, I read something about a thing called a “long gamma ray burst.” I don’t even remember what the article was about… I was distracted and sort of stunned after reading the part describing what a long gamma ray burst is… apparently, it’s just a thing in space, that lasts for about one second… and in that second, it will expend as much energy as our very own Sun will expend during its entire existence. Holy crap. I’ll bet that would fast-cook a hot dog… like PD freakin’ Q!
Sweet mother of Joseph and Mary, lookie here: even MORE astronomy news! Scientists have discovered methane on Mars, and have been trying to find its source. Now, methane is FREQUENTLY produced by things that are alive, like flatulating people or cows, or bacteria, or by humans working in methane factories. However… this does not mean that there is life on Mars… because methane is also produced in other ways that have nothing to do with being alive. And, that’s pretty much what they ended up with: the martian methane comes from underground. No big whoop. No meth labs, no Del Tacos, no dairylands, no human caused global climate change, no microbes (or bathrobes), no rice paddies (yes, a big source of methane here on Earth), no dead aliens (I mean, natives, since it IS Mars), no landfills, no bacteria. (Which, I can assure you, would make these NASA guys, who don’t get out much, VERY excited. Bacteria. Man… I wash my hands frequently to get RID of that, but those lab coat guys would give ANYTHING to find it. Whatever.) Bottom line is that the gas excitement turned out to be… just a big bag o’ gas… no evidence of life.
It’s time for me to sheepishly acknowledge the end of today’s column… I’ve milked it to death. Maybe because my fraternity at the 4H College was the Lambda Lambda Lambda Frat. Wool, okay… shear… I wasn’t actually a member… I just herd about them. And, that those guys were dairy, dairy uncultured. Sort of like me. I don’t need a lot of farm animals… just a dog or a cattle do.